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The working class can kiss my arse, I've got the Councillor's job at last
The Luke Akehurst blog - The genuine Luke Akehurst weblog about politics, elections, the Labour Party and that ghastly Hackney place. Ignore counterfeit Luke Akehurst blogs - this is the genuine article from the chap who whips Hackney Labour councillors in his spare time.
Now with extra added ingredient Linda K Smith. Helps wash your family whiter!

"My favourite film is Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb" - Luke Akehurst
"Funny and clever but not particularly nice" - Time Out
"With added foie gras, steak, soft cheese, claret and port (hic!)" - Luke Akehurst
"In gustatus perquam putidus est" - Vatican Bank
"Not so much 'Who's Who?' as 'Who's Sleeping With Whom?'" - Peter Mandelson
"You can judge a blogger's politics by the colour of their blog banner" - The spoof Luke Akehurst
"By a coalition of Trots, tree huggers, anarchists, Tories and a nasty little clique over-excited about my hair colour" - Luke Akehurst

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yolande Beckles Website Appears

The sadly missed Yolande Beckles is back in the spotlight! I've just been alerted to a brand new website under the pre-Christmas title Yo Ho Ho! It's Beckles Watch, where the eponymous author has published a lengthy essay recounting the infamous comings and goings of Yolande Beckles. Apparently she's now "bigging it up" in Beverley Hills, Los Angeles, with her kids attending Hollywood schools. News that will doubtless come as little comfort to the poor families in Hackney whose money she stole before she did a bunk across the pond. So, to find out more about Yolande Beckles, visit the new website Yo Ho Ho! It's Beckles Watch.

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Expenses Scandal - Our Hackney MPs Are Squeaky Clean

I've made no secret of the fact that, as a member of the ruling Labour Group on Hackney Council, I've never claimed any expenses. So I'm squeaky clean when it comes to the recent allegations of expenses induglence and fraud. And so are the two MPs for Hackney - the MP for Hackney South, Madge Hillside and the MP for Hackney North & Stokie, Diane Portillo. In my opinion, both of these women are a credit to the Labour Party and have been fine servants to the long-suffering population of Hackney, regardless of the fact that I think Madge is a creep and Diane is a looney lefty. But this is not time for disharmony - it's time to unite against the anti-working-class running dogs of capitalism who publish the Torygraph and are determined to smear our fine men and women into defeat at the next elections.

Miranda Portillo and Diane Grell
Miranda Portillo and Diane Grell
Miranda Hillside and Madge Grell
Miranda Hillside and Madge Grell

Being an MP inevitably involves significant expense on office services and staff, communications with the electorate, representing the constituency, etc. I'm sure that everyone will agree that the paltry combined sum of £258,222 incurred in parliamentary expenses last year by Hillside and Portillo represents excellent value for money to the voters of Hackney. After all, you'd be hard pressed to get a Borough Chief Executive for a sum like that. And it's hardly more than ten times the average income of a Hackney voter.

In typical style, the Tories and LibDems will have the knives out for our honest, hardworking representatives. So I'm going to pre-empt the smears by investigating their expenses myself. Over the coming days I'll be going through every one of their expenses since 2005 to prove that every penny spent by the taxpayer was well spent. So watch this space for proof that our Labour MPs are squeaky clean. Why don't you join me? Links to the expenses files can be found at the foot of this blog page.

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Massive New Parliamentary Story Breaks - You Read It Here First

Official Government redacted version

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Angry Mob Attacks Labour Councillors

Back in July 2006 I first let slip that Linda and I have a small hide-away in Andalucia. In a subsequent blog post I feigned surprise at discovering that we were not alone in our dream holiday village: "You can imagine our surprise, therefore, when on our visit to Panaderia Borriquito this evening for suckling pig and chips and a bottle or two of Vino de Cómpeta we bumped into no fewer than four other Hackney Councillors and six former members of the Planning Subcommittee. What a coincidence!" I must confess that I let things go a little bit too far when I gloated about our summer retreat, referring to my readers as people who "...have to rot in Hackney on hot days amongst the zombies and the loonies."

I almost gave the game away that August when I wrote of an Enfield Tory Councillor: "What I must be careful not to mention is that the resigning councillor, Margaret Holt, has gone off to live in Spain. Ssshhhh...don't mention apartments in Cómpeta. The very thought that the Tory Party Brown Paper Envelope Ready Reckoner might contain the same entry as the Labour Party Brown Paper Envelope Ready Reckoner fills me with horror!" As people began to question the financial basis for our pied-à-terre, I was quick to explain that we were all completely innocent of any breaches of the rules: "I would like to make clear that, without exception, members of Hackney Council Labour Group are fine, upstanding members of the community. Not one of these persons has ever been involved in, or associated with, any offences including but not limited to property misdealings, cultural vandalism, misuse of land, abuse of grants, insobriety whilst on duty, misuse of assets, bribery, corruption, election fraud, misrepresentation, contract violation, issuing false claims, CV fraud, moonlighting, cheque fraud, nepotism or breaches of code of conduct. Nor are any associated in any way with any properties in the village of Cómpeta in Andalucia."

Linda and I sneaked off again for a quiet half-term in the Andalucian hammock last spring and again last summer. By this time we were convinced that everything had quietened down and questions about our presence in Cómpeta, along with the entirely coincidental presence of other members of Planning Subcommittees, had disappeared from the political agenda. This was a reasonable assumption, as it was still a year year before the Daily Telegraph was to spread its entirely false, muck-raking and vicious lies about Labour MPs and their allegedly fraudulent and otherwise excessive expenses claims. The Tories and LibDems were guilty as charged of course, but Labour MPs were framed for political purposes and were all entirely innocent of the trumped-up charges. Last month, mob rule became so prevelant that some wholly innocent victims were forced to "hand back" money that they didn't really owe.

Now I'm game for a laugh with the best of them. A little bit of innocent fiddling here and there is hardly the end of the world. And I understand how frustrated and angry many electors have become here in the UK at the alleged shenanigans of their elected representatives in Westminster. But nothing that Councillors and Planning Subcommittee members on holiday beanos in Spain have done could possibly have justified the dreadful events that have taken place in Cómpeta over the past week. No amount of alleged holiday home buying by allegedly loud-mouthed, arrogant and allegedly racist Brits who have allegedly acquired the keys to apartments in Cómpeta along with allegedly large sums of cash in allegedly brown envelopes can possibly justify the mob violence by local Spanish residents that has resulted in one man fighting for his life in hospital. That's one huge step beyond the pale.

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Sunday, June 07, 2009


The End

Let us today, on Election Results Day, 7th June 2009,
give thanks and remember the men and women who fought so bravely to create and maintain a political party to represent the ordinary working-class men and women of this great country.


Labour shall grow not old, as the parties that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them nor the years condemn.
With the setting of the sun, and in the morning we will remember them.
Lest We Forget.

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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

It's Curtains For Labour

"I have complete confidence in all of you"

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Political Crisis - Minister Steps Out

Gordon Brown sacks everyone responsible - only himself left

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Monday, May 11, 2009

Expenses Crisis - Minister Steps In

"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" pandemic sweeps Westminster

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Thursday, May 07, 2009

Hospital Beds Crisis - Minister Steps In

Ginger swine flu pandemic sweeps Westminster

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Al Qaeda Calls For A Fatwah Against Me

Al Qaeda targets my house and family
Regular readers will know that I've been subject to a creepy internet hate campaign for the past eighteen years - since shortly after I started what has turned into The Labour Party's most popular and successful blog. For most of that time I've been able to laugh it off. After all, I'm pretty tough. And in any case, the spoof blog brought me loads of extra traffic which, to be honest, I didn't always deserve. Writing about Mikhail Gorbachev, Dave Osler and the Labour Party of Turkmenistan wasn't exactly going to get the readers flooding in.

But this week I have a horror story to tell - and it's important that I make it public, no matter how scared I might be to speak about it. That's why I called a press conference a week ago to announce that the man now acknowledged to have been the spoof blogger - international terrorist leader Osama Bin Harman - has called for a fatwah to be launched against me. Unfortunately, only The Hockney Pisspost turned up as everyone else was, for some inexplicable reason, focused on Sir Fred Goodwin's pension instead. But I was able to explain to The Pisspost in gory detail how I've feared for my family's safety ever since an image of my house marked out as a rifle target was posted by Osama Bin Nellist on his blog. As several readers have written to me reporting that they were totally unable to detect any trace of such a picture, I thought I'd better reproduce it here so that everyone can judge for themselves the extent to which my campaign of self-publicity this terrorist blogger has got out of control.

Things weren't so bad in the early days, when a lot of people were following the spoof blog and talking about it, and to be honest it was 90 per cent funny. It was written in an entertaining style, although I did find it unfair when councillors, who had deliberately not put themselves into the spotlight for any reason except their support for deceased paedophiles, were mentioned. I knew something serious was up when Osama Bin Hatton failed to update the site for some time. I now know that this was because I came very close to being able to reveal the secret blogger's identity as Osama Bin Healy. We saw someone in a hot air balloon taking photographs of our house through what appeared to be a telescopic sight, and months later I've been able to publish the photo.

So, where do I go now? Well, I may have to duck out of sight for a bit until they've caught Osama Bin Taafe, but I'm certainly not going to run away in the face of terrorist threats. Osama Bin Grant doesn't scare me. I'm planning to write a book about my fellow Councillor Charlize Patrick entitled "The Enchantress of Hackney" and you never know where that might lead. Sir Ahmed Luke Akehurst has quite a nice ring to it.

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Nobless Oblige

Ready to do my duty for Queen and Country

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Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Waking The Brain Dead

Serves my doppelgänger right for a) going off for a month's rest and b) leaving the brain dead to run the mortuary in the meantime.

Oh, dear. What a pig's a**e I seem to have made of things with no-one here to steer me in the right direction. I have nearly managed to blow out what little life was left in the decaying political corpse of the Labour Party with my slightly hard line positions on counter-terrorism, state control, suppression of dissent, removal of superfluous freedoms and support for the Fourth Reich expressed here previously.

I now feature on the front pages of the websites of both the Hackney Conservatives and Hackney Liberal Democrats - which, judging by the fact that both were similarly written in proper English, employing correct spelling and punctuation, were both ghost-written by the ex-Labour turncoat and number 1 candidate for extraordinary rendition to Guantanamo Bay, Meral Ece.

I'm braced for another exciting story in the Hackney Groveller.

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