Take The Pills

Thanks to "The Grauniad" for listing the runners and riders for the next Labour Deputy Leader. Not an exhaustive list as I can think of a few others (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) who are considering running, but an interesting one nonetheless - Johnson, Hain, Harman, Straw.

Here is a brief test that you can take to see who would make the best Deputy Leader. Pretend to be the successful candidate and answer the following questions.

Q1) Are you a supporter of the Labour Party, Tony Blair, Hackney Labour Party, Hackney Council, Jules Pipe, the UK, the USA, NATO, the State of Israel, Australia, the Australian Labor Party, the New South Wales Right faction, Labour First, Labour Campaign for Electoral Reform, the EU, Sweden and its Social Democratic Party, nuclear deterrence, the liberation of Iraq, our police security services and armed forces, nuclear power, an elected House of Lords, directly elected Mayors, a Controlled Parking Zone for Clifden Road, ASBOs, ALMOs, new security doors on estates in Chatham Ward (10 points for each yes)

Q2) Are you or have you ever been a member of The Communist Party, CND, Compass, CLPD, Campaign Group, Liberty, NCCL, PSC, LMEC, Liberty, Charter 88, Friends of the Earth, Searchlight, Greenpeace, Amnesty International, The Portman Group, the Liberal Democrats, the Citizens Advice Bureau, NSPB, NSPCC, the National Pure Water Association, Action on Smoking and Health, the Vegetarian Society, the London Cycling Campaign, the Soil Association, the human race? (minus 10 points for each yes)

Q3) Did you vote for Tony Benn, Hugh Gaitskell or Benjamin Netanyahu in previous Deputy Leadership elections? (-100 points for Benn, 10 points for Gaitskell, 50 points for Netanyahu)

Q4) If you had been a Labour MP in the 1987 Leadership election, would you have voted for Neil Kinnock or Margaret Thatcher? (20 points for Thatcher, minus 40 for Pillock)

Q5) Did you think the good guys in the Vietnam War were a) the vicious, savage, baby-eating Communist Viet Cong led by Stalinist dictator Ho Chi Minh or b) the wonderful, heroic, peace-loving US Marine Corps led by Arnold Schwarzenegger? (score this one yourself)

Q6) In which year did you first publicly call for the expulsion of everyone in the Labour Party who did not agree with your extreme right-wing views (2 points for each year from 2006 back to 1972)

Q7) Did you support Queen and Country in the following conflicts:
The Crusades, the French wars of Richard I, Henry III, Edward I and Edward II, Edward III and Henry V, the Welsh Uprising, the Battle of Bouvines, the Wars of Scottish Independence, the Hundred Years' War, the Wars of Charles the Wise and Charles the Victorious, the Italian Wars, the Cornish Rebellion, the Anglo-Scottish Wars, the Anglo-Spanish War, the Nine Years War, the Eighty Years' War, the Anglo-Powhatan Wars, the Irish Rebellion, the Anglo-Dutch Wars, the Anglo-Spanish War, King Philip's War, the Monmouth Rebellion, King William's War, the Jacobite Rebellions, the War of Spanish Succession, Queen Anne's War, the War of the Quadruple Alliance, the War of Jenkins' Ear, the War of the Austrian Succession, King George's War, the Seven Years' War, the Franco-Indian War, the Anglo-Cherokee War, the Anglo-Mysore Wars, the American War of Independence, the Anglo-Maratha War, the French Revolutionary Wars, the Wars of the Coalition, the Irish Rebellion, the Napoleonic Wars, the South American War, the Anglo-Turkish War, the Anglo-Russian War, the Peninsular War, the Kandian Wars, the Vellore Mutiny, the Anglo-Dutch Java War, the British-American War, the Anglo-Nepalese War, the Anglo-Burmese Wars, the Canada Rebellions, the Anglo-Afghan Wars, the Opium Wars, the Anglo-Sikh Wars, the New Zealand Wars, the Crimean War, the Indian Rebellion, the Pig War, the Anglo-Bhutanese War, the Anglo-Zulu War, the Boer Wars, the Anglo-Zanzibar War, the Boxer Rebellion, the Anglo-Aro war, World War I, the Easter Rising, World War II, the Anglo-Iraqi War, the Malayan Emergency, the Korean War, the Mau Mau Uprising, the Cyprus Emergency, the Suez Crisis, the Brunei Uprising, the Indonesia-Malaysia confrontation, the Aden Emergency, the Falklands War, the Gulf Wars, the Bosnian War, the Kosovo War, the Afghanistan War, the Iraq War
(10 points each)

Q8) Who made the greater contribution to the history of the Labour Party: Luke Akehurst or Akehurst, Luke? (100 points for each)

If you scored 1,000 or more, I think you will know you who the best candidate would be. Can anyone out there work out the miserable little scores for the "Grauniad 4"?