I know I can be a bit dim at times, but midway through a gruelling afternoon down at the BBC Election Night studio in Millbank it suddenly dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't invited to take part in the BBC's election broadcasts because of my handsome face, my informed punditry or my political connections.
David Dimbleby gave it away when, as I first entered the studios, he said loudly: "Blimey, you've managed to find someone to represent Labour". Of course it was only for the late night number-crunching bit of the programme, with a few comments about how much I fancy the LibDem blogger thrown in for good measure. The main Labour representative would be a lot more important than me, of course.
It got worse. Dimbleby rocked back in his chair and laughed as he informed us all that Tessa Jowell would be representing the Government on the night as no serving Cabinet Minister was prepared to be humiliated as the results came in. Still, she's a Minister of sorts even if a demoted one, and more importantly the Minister for London and the Olympics. This will prove extremely useful as the London count is not taking place until Friday and hence on Thursday night she can plead ignorance in response to almost all questions likely to be asked, explaining that they don't come within her brief.
The bad news was not so much that Tessa couldn't be arsed to turn up for rehearsals, as that someone was needed to stand in for her. And guess who got the job? God, it was humiliating. I simply didn't believe Dimbleby when he clacked on about Dustin Hoffman and method acting and how important it was for me to get fully into character for the part. And the wolf-whistles from the camera crew!
What really put me off, though, was when David Dimbleby told me I was "feisty". I really think he fancied me.
I'm going to finish this post with a few predictions:
If you are Labour and reading this, you shouldn't be! Go and watch the Champions League semi-final instead. Have a few beers. Pretend all this isn't really happening!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
A Few Wolf-Whistles
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Oh S**t, Why Did I Open My Big Stupid Mouth?
Just 6 months ago I was all fired up over Gordon's Big Tent. Oh, how times change. If only I'd seen then what I see now.
When I declared for Ken in January, I had absolutely no idea that four months later it would be Boris erecting the big tent and I would be excluded because of my rabid support for Mr. Livingstone. Even more ironic given that I can't stand the man (Ken, this is, not Boris).
Now the Mayoral election is all over bar the counting, with Ken's odds lengthening all the time and Boris 5-2 on to win, the Buffoon has been dishing out places in his big tent to all sorts of people.
First to accept a post was the MP for Vauxhall, Kate Hoey, who'll be Mayor's advisor on sports and the Olympics.
Slightly more reticent to come forward in advance of the official result (for fairly obvious reasons) is Brian Paddick, the LibDem Mayoral candidate widely tipped to become Chair of the Metropolitan Police Authority.
Just think what I could have been offered if I'd had the sense to keep my trap shut. Mayor's advisor on ginger rights? City Hall restaurant manager? Boris's personal political blogging consultant? All jobs with salaries in excess of £100,000 a year and with massive expenses. Even better than being an MP. Oh, s**t!
Oh Come On - It's Not My Fault!
I've had some very unnecessary comments since I announced that I'd be popping into City Hall on Thursday night.
The "erection night" and "pinky & perky" comments I can take, although I don't find them at all funny. But the suggestion that I've acquired "the Gordon touch" after being re-elected unopposed as Chief Whip for the 7th successive year is deeply offensive. I can assure all my readers that the flooding of City Hall has absolutely no connection whatever with my planned visit there.
After consulting with Labour colleagues in Whitehall, I can also confirm that there will be no outbreaks of ugly and painful sores, the North sea will continue to comprise salt water, no rivers of blood are expected despite Channel4 documentaries on Enoch Powell, temperatures will be normal for the season, there will be no widespread power cuts, the river Euphrates will continue to flow despite the US "surge", London will remain united and no hailstorms are anticipated. In addition, numbers of flies, frogs, lice and locusts are expected to remain substantially unchanged.
Breaking news...
The cat is out of the bag. It looks like all will be well for the trip to City Hall, after all. My well-known jaundiced view of LibDems had already been seriously challenged by the prospect of a date with the posh Alix Mortimer. I was quite taken aback when I saw the whole nine yards and - although I was pooped and a bit three sheets to the wind last night - I could really fancy making some headway there, son of a gun! But when I heard that Captain Mortimer (as she is known on the high seas) is planning to sail her ship, the SS. Dubrovnik, into City Hall for the election night broadcasts I was totally blown overboard.
Wow! Am I up for that? The weather's looking a bit rough and it may be cold enough on Thursday night to freeze the balls of off a brass monkey, but I'm planning to dismantle my inhibitions, overhaul my rig, get a crew cut and forge ahead. With a bit of good luck and a windfall in the offing, I'll batten down the hatches, splice her mainbrace and have a field day, even if there is no room to swing a cat down there. I hope Linda doesn't find out, because if she does there'll be the devil to pay. My water-logged skylarking intentions will go by the board, the wife and I will be at loggerheads, I'll be between the devil and the deep blue sea and at the bitter end I'll have to pipe down, dismantle my plans, scuttle the evening and toe the line. And that would be a mutinous shame, by and large.
Monday, April 28, 2008
A Night On The Tiles
 Alix Mortimer and Emily Maitlis | Unlike most politicos who will be at the election counts on Thursday night, I've got the night off as we count during the London Mayoral election during the day on Friday. So, don't tell Linda, but I've arranged a double date for the evening with my mate Iain and a couple of gorgeous women - 29-year-old brunette freelance writer and researcher Alix for me and 37-year-old blonde TV presenter for Iain (well, he is a lot older than me, after all). Apparently, Emily has to show her face at work, so we'll all have to turn up there later on. Obviously Iain and I are just the dates, so we're not expected to appear in front of camera, but you never know what might happen with the Beeb. |
| In fact, I can just see it now: |
Introducing Luke and Iain - the BBC's handsome, intelligent and witty political pundits - who will guide you through the evening by:
|  Two strikingly handsome men |
| If anyone has any thoughts about where we could take Alix and Emily for the evening for a good time - not too far from City Hall because that's where we need to be later in the night - do drop me a message at lukeakehurst@email.com. The same applies if you have any good gossip you think should get wider attention via our blogs. |
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The Mayoral Election In Hackney - A Tight Battle Between Our Little Fiefdom And The Tory Majority
Another day, another ward, another canvassing session. This time it was that bit of the massive, run-down Woodberry Down Estate that's in Brownswood Ward. I had to go to this tiny little bit of the estate, of course, because it's Labour-controlled. Even so, I felt very nervous, with loads of people telling me to f**k off.
We made 120 contacts of which 44 identified themselves as Labour votes and the remainder said they would vote against Labour or not vote at all. That's not bad, I suppose, compared with the vast majority of the Woodberry Down Estate which falls inside the Tory-controlled New River Ward, from where Boris will be getting quite a few votes next week.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
The Boys On The Streets
Over on politicalbetting.com, failed LibDem parliamentary candidate Mike Smithson has predicted that Ken Livingstone is heading for a massive increase in his share of the first-round vote next Thursday, to a level beyond even that achieved when he first stormed into office in his purple bus in 2000. "So for every seven Londoners who gave Ken their first preferences in 2004, MORI found that eight would do so on Thursday", says Smithson. Well, not being someone who is easily impressed by the punditry of LibDems (although I'm much more favourably disposed to failed parliamentary candidates), I thought I'd take part in today's canvassing in Hackney North & Stokie instead.
A small group of 46 Labour activists (including Julian's mates Ronnie and Reggie plus some of their friends from South London, Hertfordshire, Essex and Kent) took a slow drive around Leabridge Ward, which has always returned three Labour Councillors. It's mainly but not exclusively social housing but low rise with a lot of buy-to-let leaseholders most of whom were out sunbathing in Springfield Park so we didn't have to listen to them bleating on about how the credit crunch was affecting their property portfolios and how Boris would sort it all out. The ethnic mix includes large Turkish, Kurdish and West African minorities, several thousand of whom are employed by Hackney Council.
Ronnie and Reggie invited people to step up to the darkened windows of their limos to report their voting intentions. The returns from the 279 electors canvassed were as follows:
Labour (including those unable to comprehend the question but understanding the right answer) - 261
I knew your mother, she had a heart of gold - 3
I'm not from round here, but I'll certainly vote now you've given me a ballot form - 14
Yes, I'd think seriously about changing my electricity supplier - 1
Now even allowing for over-enthusiastic canvassing, this suggests that Hackney will return a massive majority for Ken, even bigger than Julian's victory in the last Hackney Mayoral election when many of the supporters of other candidates inadvertently put their ballot forms into an elephant's arse rather than into the ballot box.
The betting markets are also looking better for Ken. Most bookies have his odds shortening, at a rate that suggests that he will become the punters' favourite by June 2012, easily in time for the Olympic Games. I'm a bit puzzled by Mike Smithson's personal gambling comment, though: "I've been waiting with a fist-full of cash ready to make some significant investments and the prices simply have not moved enough." Which, given that the odds against Ken are shortening, makes me wonder on who's nose he was planning to put his fist-full of cash. Unless he was planning to throw his money away on Brian Paddick, this can only mean that he was planning to back Boris as his odds lengthen. I wonder whether I should really pay serious attention to a LibDem who is desperate to put wads of wonga on a Tory victory?
Smiths And Morrissey Competition
I've been rightly chastised for omitting Councillor Stauber from my earlier attempt at a mapping of Smiths And Morrissey tracks onto my Labour Group. As I explained in my apology, I was so busy looking at floor-crossers in Castle Point, I forgot the ones in Hackney - but that's because I always focus on parliament rather than on the local peasants. Well my wrist is well and truly smacked and I've decided to throw a competition open to those whose interest in the local riff-raff is greater than mine. 
All you have to do is nominate suitable tracks either by the Smiths or Morrissey solo that you feel best describe your favourite local Labour Councillors. I've had my go - now it's your turn.
There are some great titles to choose from - Ambitious Outsiders, Barbarism Begins At Home, Best Friend On The Payroll, Break Up The Family, Certain People I Know, The Edges Are No Longer Parallel, Girl Least Likely To, Hairdresser On Fire, The Harsh Truth Of The Camera Eye, The Headmaster Ritual, Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now, I Keep Mine Hidden, I Started Something I Couldn't Finish, Interesting Drug, Never Had No One Ever, November Spawned A Monster, Nowhere Fast, Panic, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Rubber Ring, Shoplifters Of The World Unite, Sweet And Tender Hooligan, Work Is A Four Letter Word and You've Had Her, to name but a few.
Send your answers to lukeakehurst@email.com. Each suggestion must be accompanied by a clear explanation of why you think the song title is better suited to that particular Councillor than my own nomination. Deadline - Saturday May 17th. The winner will win a captioned and signed photo of themselves with the person they selected.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Now They're All At It
If it wasn't bad enough for little, unimportant me being spoofed, now someone's at it with Harriet Harman.
I'm a bit gutless, myself, but Harriet is much tougher and she has moved immediately to have this ridiculous spoof closed down. Clicking on the link above will now get you nowhere, so it's lucky I took the above screen snapshot earlier. It's probably the same spoofster, because there are some strong connections between the two spoofs. Both make it seem as if their victims are politically unstable - veering madly between the opposing wings of our party. In my case it was from supporting Trident replacement and the Israeli invasion of Lebanon to campaigning for Ken Livingstone and supporting Frank Field and his 10p rebels. In Harriet's case it was the other way round - changing her firm commitment and ceaseless efforts for Labour in the local elections into campaign support for Boris The Buffoon.
Anyone with half a brain can see through these nonsense spoofs and recognise the real article. My politics are far more stable and rational than those of the spoofster, as evidenced by my postings here on my blog. And Harriet likewise shows a cheerful, positive and stable demeanour on her real blog, where just like me she has to waste time explaining what's what to idiots who confuse the real website with the fake one.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
No, It's Not Real
Pay no attention to the false stories whipped up in the Tory media and aimed at damaging Labour's chances in the local elections. This is Eisenstein Appreciation Week and to commemorate the 60th anniversary of his death, various events are taking place across the country.
Teachers are putting on performances at schools across England and Wales and a special re-enactment of Sergei's first feature-length film is taking place at Grangemouth refinery.
Some 700 Maritime and Coastguard Agency staff are also putting on a performance of The Battleship Potemkin and they are expected to be joined later today by about 100,000 workers from the Department for Work and Pension, the Home Office, the Department for Transport, the Driving Standards Agency, and the Highways Agency, all angry over plans for pay rises to be capped below inflation according to the PCS union.
Employees of Metronet, the bankrupt engineering contractor of London Underground, decided not to participate in the celebrations after the Rail Maritime and Transport union said they had received the written assurances needed from TfL over job security. Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone told the media: "I've been a lifelong Eisenstein fan. But with the election coming up in a few days we need everyone in London to focus on their jobs and not engage in frivolities."
An extended two-day performance by Birmingham City Council workers got off to a bad start after more than three quarters of union members decided that they couldn't act. And MPs also abandoned their much-heralded and eagerly-awaited show scheduled for next Monday, after quite a few poor people were offered some forms to fill in to reclaim their additional income tax levies. But there was good news as GPs gathered for the annual conference of Local Medical Committees in Clydebank - a location ideal as a backdrop for The Battleship Potemkin - and threatened a massive re-enactment based around "the relentless and continuous erosion of the GP contract by tyrannical and greedy Health Service bosses".
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Of Course It's Not A U-Turn!
Never mind what the right-wing press and Trotskyite BBC say about Gordon. All he's done is to listen to the bona fide concerns of a few of his parliamentary colleagues and ask Alistair to make some minor adjustments to the budget in order to close a couple of relatively small but nonetheless irritating loopholes that would otherwise have resulted in one or two poorer people losing out in the Government's annual bonanza.
That's not a U-turn. Backing down over support for the ending of non-contributory pensions for Unite members at the Grangemouth oil refinery would be a U-turn. Demanding that his local petrol station in Kirkcaldy reverse its 25% petrol price rise in the face of a panic market would be a U-turn. Increasing the teachers' pay offer to more than the measly 7.05% over 3 years currently on offer would be a U-turn.
Reversing the decision to fly a red and white flag over 10 Downing Street to celebrate the martyrdom of a Turkish officer in the Roman army who refused to massacre Christians would be a U-turn. Not conspiring with others to force the PM's resignation and bring the country out of the misery of Tony Blair and into the sunshine of Gordon Brown would be a U-turn. No bloody chance. As Brillo observed on The Daily Politics today - the Laddie's Not For Turning!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Castle Point - I Could Have Been Rich And Famous By Now
The most depressing news I've heard in the past few days is that Bob Spink is to join UKIP. Don't get me wrong, here. The defection of a nasty, bigoted, racist crawling little Tory to an even nastier, more bigoted and racist political party is not something that would normally bother me too much.
But just think what could have happened if the rat had decided to desert the ship three years earlier. The Castle Point 2005 General Election result would have been very different.
Spink would undoubtedly have kept a sizeable chunk of his personal vote, built up over many years. But around half would have gone to the Tory replacement candidate. Leaving the result something like this.
And then I would have been propping up the Commons bar with my mate Thicko, knocking back a glass or two of claret and looking forward to my accountant performing some creative work on my expenses. Meanwhile, Linda would have been attending to my constituency mail, with Augustus at City of London School carrying out research into education options, on a substantial fee-paid consultancy basis.
Oh, how it could have been if only...
No, I Haven't Been Hiding... Well, Just A Little Bit
To be honest, the past few days have been nothing short of a nightmare. I'm sure my spoofster will have been posting away merrily, trying to make me look like Captain Smith commanding the Titanic on an Arctic Ocean weekend cruise, but you won't have been taken in by that sort of thing. Where to start? Oh dear.
Even where there was genuine good news, as with the peace and harmony between Gordon and Ken as they visited the Gurdwara Singh Sabha London East the previous weekend to celebrate Vaisakhi (New Year), the press chose to ignore it. Where was the report of Labour sharing the Sikh values of tolerance, equality, justice and treating people with fairness? Where were the reports of Gordon and Ken being presented with orange robes of honour and sacred books by the temple's President? Where were the warm and friendly quotes from our Prime Minister about the Mayor of London? - "Ken Livingstone has been a Mayor who has, with great innovation, great determination and great support right across London, invested more in policing and protecting the people of our community than any local authority or any local leader before him. As well as earning praise for increasing higher visibility policing, Mr Livingstone deserves credit for investments in transport and housing." What did we get instead? Well, we certainly didn't get any more full-page pictures of Gordon picking his nose - the appointment of former Brunswick PR CEO Stephen Carter as Principal Political Adviser on a £137,000 p.a. salary ensured no more embarrassing photos like those ones. No, we got this one.
This weekend didn't start much better. First there was the news that Wolverhampton South West Labour MP and cycling campaigner Rob Marris had been arrested and charged with criminal damage after celebrating the Party's achievement in reducing the crime figures by climbing over the bonnet of an illegally-parked car to board a bus. OK, maybe that was just an error of judgement. Maybe he didn't realise that his action could be unlawful. After all, he's not a judge or a barrister. Just a humble solicitor.
Then we had the motor-mouths. First up was John Wiseman, Labour PPC for Westmorland and Lonsdale, writing in LabourHome: "I seem to be in the middle of a nightmare at present. The BNP are standing all over my home constituency. Everyone seems depressed where I am standing for parliament. Gordon has decided to take money away from his core vote, PPS's are threatening to resign!! When are we going to wake up!!! There is hundreds of councillors who are going to lose their seats if Gordon doesn't listen. I am asking please Gordon for the last time wake up and smell the coffee and save the party as in rectify the tax change!!!" This was followed up by David Miliband airing the other side of the sheets in public across The News of the Screws with its "Get A Grip Gordon" headline and encouraging Stuart King, Labour PPC for Putney, Roehampton & Southfields to mouth it in support of John Wiseman. Why can't they all just shut up and stop tearinbg the Party apart in public. I mean, would you see me attacking the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs in public? Calling him daft on my blog? Would I hell.
Most of the weekend was spent pondering the looming disaster otherwise known as the London Mayoral Election. Obviously I spent some time out canvassing - people would have noticed if I'd cried off altogether - but to be honest it made me so sick that I hid in a pub for a large part of Sunday rather than face the wrath of the electorate. I'd love to be able to tell you that across Hackney North & Stoke Newington there was uniformly strong support on both estates and owner-occupied streets and that it was easy to get people to put Ken Livingstone posters up in their windows. If I didn't think I might be sued by someone laughing so loud they split an internal organ, I'd report that some doddery old fart was so pleased to see the Labour Party come round that they rushed over and hugged me. It's not that I don't know how to spin the stories - it's more that they're becoming so unbelievable even I can't write them any more. I might as well tell you there's a house-price boom, or England is heading for World Cup victory.
Still, I've got to have a go, I suppose. Wow - just look at the fantastic position Ken Livingstone is in based on the bookmakers' odds above. Only a week ago it was all gloom and doom, and admittedly it is still the case that Boris the Buffoon is odds on with every betting establishment between Lima and Svalbard. But the good news is that 7 out of 14 bookies have Ken's odds shortening and 6 others have him stabilised in the betting, with only 1 bookie showing Labour's odds drifting. Another few months nine days of this and we'll be home and dry.
Prezza's Sunday sick-bag revelations didn't help much. Not exactly a reason to be cheerful. The Sunday lunchtime image of Labour's most celebrated glutton, pugilist, lecher and foul-mouth puking up his foie gras, claret and stilton is hardly one that would make most people think "I must pop out on Thursday week and vote Labour". And with the working class vote turned off by the tabloids, we hardly needed Paul Staines to remind middle-class intellectuals like me that over-eating followed by vomiting was the favourite pastime of Julius Caesar, thereby raising the spectre of the ruthless and tyranical ambition of so many Labour MPs.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Rewarding Our Partners
We've been so pleased with our new coalition partners, we thought we'd let them have some of the action for a change.
After all, it's not often the Greens are seen on the podium, what with minor accidents guillotining the ballot papers.
But we're so much more contrite these days and in yesterday's Suffolk County Council Stowmarket North and Stowupland Division by-election we thought it was time to do our funny little cycling/recycling friends a favour. Still, at least we beat those UKIP bastards.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Word Is Getting Round About The Big Cheese
Since my invitation-that-never-was to a fingers-free evening at Satchmo's, the word has been getting round. It looks like quite a few local hostelries would like the company of the Labour Chief Whip. And it's about bloody time too. I was getting really fed up with Julian getting all the foie gras, fromage and claret while I was left at home to look after Augustus and write inane blog posts about David Aaronovitch, Neil Kinnock and legal imprints. Here's my latest invite:
That's my kind of thing. Canapés, drinks and finding out "how we can work together in the future". Know what I mean? Nudge-nudge, wink wink. I've written to ask if they are intending to lay on some lap dancing as part of their plans to become an "urban inn", but no reply yet.
Postscript - Just received this disappointing news:
There isn't any lapdancing planned, no. I noticed that you've put the invitation up on your blog, would you mind taking the invitation off, as otherwise half the bloody Councillors will turn up uninvited for the free food and wine - you know what they're like!
Looking forward to meeting you on the [sshhh! secret].
Kind regards
[Mr. X]
No problem - I've removed all the details so uninvited guests (especially certain people from Chatham and Kings Park wards) don't gatecrash and drink all the booze before I arrive.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Archant Drops Its Trousers
Statement by Sir (nearly) Julian Pipeshaft, Mayor of Hackney:
The freedom of the press allows the media to choose what it does and does not publish and to take a particular editorial stance on an issue; the concept of freedom of speech cannot be used to claim that a newspaper must publish all material offered to it with the only criterion being legality.
Those out electioneering for the upcoming London mayoral election have invariably encountered disbelief or disgust when the issue is raised on the doorstep. The many messages of protest that I have seen from residents, and people's readiness to sign the petition organised by Labour councillors, are an endorsement of Archant's decision to align themselves with the views of the overwhelming majority of the local community.
On the other hand, residents I have polled have expressed considerable interest in seeing the photos of an unnamed Hackney Councillor in flagrante digitus down at Satchmo's lap dancing club and as part of my arrangement with Archant I shall be supplying said pictures shortly."
I Apologise To Linda Over "Digital Action" Comment
Sometimes things just don't go right at all, as for our beloved PM at present. But it's been even worse for me today, due to a freak set of circumstances here in Stokie. It all began when I was invited to participate in this event:
I suppose it was my own fault, really. I should never have told Linda that I'd been invited out for a bit of digital action with Hannah. How was I to know that, in her capacity as a member of Hackney Council Planning SubCommittee, Linda had been actively involved in this:
It just didn't occur to me for one minute that Linda would fail to understand that digital means "encoding into 1s and 0s" and assume instead that it mean "using the fingers".
Satchmo's is just two streets south of our house, on Stoke Newington Road. I blame Sir (nearly) Julian Pipeshaft for the confusion. If he hadn't described the location as "Stoke Newington High Road" in his interview with The Groveller, Linda wouldn't have wandered miles up and down looking for the place and would consequently have been in a much better mood when she arrived home and I made my ill-judged comment.
Sorry, babes. I would never visit a place like that with Hannah, or anyone else for that matter. I've never been to a lap dancing club in my life and I have absolutely no idea what goes on in them. Except, of course, that you aren't allowed to use your fingers.
It Could Be Worse...
Extracts from a letter by Comintern President Zinoviev to the British Communist Party, September 1924.
If You Advertise The BNP, Archant, We'll Nick Your Reporters
Our local paper, the Hackney Groveller, is owned by newspaper group Archant. Across London, Archant seems to have agreed to run adverts from the BNP. I've sent the email below to Archant's CEO and Chairman:
I am writing as Ward Councillor for the miserably depressing and run-down Chatham Ward in the London Borough of Hackney to express my shock and concern at reports that Archant are planning to allow the BNP to advertise in the Hackney Groveller.
Hackney is a borough with excellent race relations and community cohesion and although there was a National Front presence in the 1970s there has been no local far right presence in recent years. We are one of the most multi-cultural boroughs in London and the Groveller's readership must reflect this. Many Groveller readers from ethnic minority groups - and others who value Hackney's ethnic diversity - will be horrified to open their local paper and see an advert from a far right party. Others - pathetic poor white working class voters in my ward for whom Labour has done fuck all because we've always been able to rely on their votes - may be persuaded to vote fascist in order to try to improve their miserable little existences.
The BNP is not just another party that has an equal entitlement to advertise. The race hatred it peddles has been directly linked to increased violence and abuse against people from ethnic minority groups in areas where it is active, especially in wards like mine where there are a preponderance of stupid, disaffected peasants. The nature of the BNP's ideology and tactics have been extensively catalogued over the years - key members have convictions for race-related behaviour and criminal violence, and a history of promotion of neo-Nazi concepts such as holocaust denial, although this won't be a major concern to me as there isn't much of a Jewish population in my ward.
I have always been pleased that the Groveller has a policy of recognising the financial advantages of supporting Labour, but this should not extend to allowing a fascist party to have a platform through the same advertising that we pay large sums of money for. I am sure that the Groveller would subscribe to certain core beliefs such as support for democracy and opposition to racism that allowing the BNP to advertise would contradict. I am equally sure that you will reconsider our advertising budget with The Groveller and consider the effect that withdrawal would have on your little rag.
I do hope you will reconsider your decision to take their advert. Should you fail to do so, I cannot be held responsible if some of your key staff take matters into their own hands (for a small inducement) and desert your paper only to suddenly appear on the front of our alternative and vastly superior newspaper, the Hackney Toady.
Cllr Luke Akehurst
Chatham Ward (Labour)
Get Some Decent Photos, Guido
The latest in an occasional series noting that right-wing bloggers know next to nothing about the internal politics of the Labour Party. Guido has a go at me, accusing me of speaking in the Trident replacement debate at last June's Compass conference at Central Hall Westminster (pretty much the worst slander you could ever throw at someone in my view).
If anyone is moronic enough to think that I took part in any such debate, sharing a platform with the despicable and traitorous members of Compass and CND, I'd damned well like to see the evidence.
Never hesitate to let a whacking good photo get in the way of the boring facts, though, Guido.
Er... is that right, Linda?
Monday, April 14, 2008
My Imprint... Again
Just repeating this because I know you all liked it last time so I thought I'd show you it once again.
Please note, however, that neither Gordon Brown nor other members of The Labour Party is responsible for the content of this imprint, as none of them have ever laid hands on booty like this and most of them hate me anyway.
To the chap who emailed me earlier - no, it's not me tattooing the Member of Parliament for Salford. And to the other emailer - it's obviously not Linda. Are you mad?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
This Week In Emmerdale
Villagers headed back to the polls in Old Gore Ward in leafy Herefordshire yesterday, less than a year after sexy, bespectacled redhead Tessa McLean was elected to represent the ward on the district council. 
The gorgeous, pouting Conservative caused a sensation last May by defeating John Edwards, stalwart independent and former council chairman. Having taken redundancy pay from her current job, the exciting new young member of the parish council decided to shove orf somewhere where the tax situation was more favourable, leaving her seat warm for incumbent and Mordiford Parish Council chairman Barry Durkin. Her suave, handsome replacement campaigned on rural issues, under the banner, "Herefordshire belongs to Herefordians". Independent Sellack resident, John Gartside, stood on a platform of ending what he called a "constipation of politics" in Herefordshire, while giving villagers a better deal. "There's a sense of uncertainty with everything at the moment and I want to be there when these decisions are made", he told the local newspaper, with an air of misplaced political confidence. Completing the line-up were unsuccessful Green candidate Adrian Worgan and equally unsuccessful but rurally named LibDem candidate, Jo Lane, whose party finished third last May and came third again yesterday. The LibDem candidate told journalists: "the credit crunch, global warming and the Chinese crackdown are major issues facing us all, but in this election the key issue will be the frequency of the bus service from Ledbury to Ross".
Meanwhile, over in Holmewood and Heath Ward, LibDem supporters were jubilant after inflicted a humiliating defeat on Labour - taking the NE Derbyshire District Council seat by a massive 26 votes. It was the first time Labour had lost the seat since it was created in 1381. Gorgeous, pouting, blonde-haired, victorious Liberal Democrat candidate Jan Robinson said (in a surprising Welsh accent): "Local people are fed up of being taken for granted just because Labour simply couldn't believe that they would vote for anyone else. We never even contested the seat in the last three elections in 1999, 2003 and 2007, so I'm glad we had a pop this time. I am honoured that local residents have put their trust in me. I've not only been elected to the District Council, I've won a bottle of champagne as well. I hope it doesn't go to my head. Bubbly is not something we can usually afford up here, so I'm not used to it.
Next week's exciting by-election takes place in Greendale Ward, Longsleddale District Council, Cumbria. The main candidates contesting the ward are Patrick Clifton, the downtrodden village postman (Labour) and Mrs Goggins, the capitalist post office owner (Conservative). Other candidates are: Julia Pottage (LibDem), Rebecca Hubbard (Green), Sam Waldron (BNP), The Reverend Peter Timms ("Greendale For The Greendaleans"), Ted Glen (Workers Marxist Revolutionary), Ajay Bains ("Greendale Out Of The EU, Bigger Subsidies For Railways").
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Ken in Amnesia, Boris In Short Trousers
Hackney blogger Dave Hill met up with Ken Livingstone yesterday in the NarrowWay in Mare Street, central Hackney, where Ken talked about the borough where I live:
Ken mentions about his experience representing Hackney North & Stoke Newington on the GLC from 1977, when he had already been active in London local government for the best part of a decade. Back in Ken's days as a local politician, he recalls, the borough was "dirt poor" with only two Indian restaurants in Stoke Newington Church Street. I'm not entirely convinced by this argument. The vast majority of Hackney's "dirt poor" population back in the 1970s couldn't afford to eat in either restaurant and can even less afford to eat in the much more expensive establishments that now pack the street. Also, although I was only a toddler growing up in Kent at the time, I've been told that there were various other restaurants in the street even in those days, including a Singaporean restaurant and two Greek Cypriot-run fish and chip shops at least one of which offered facilities for eating in. I'd be interested to hear from others with a better memory for Stokie dining than Ken appears to have.
Still, at least Ken was paying for restaurant meals in 1977. Boris Johnson was also paying for his meals at the time, but in the form of parental cheques made out to The King's College of Our Lady of Eton beside Windsor. Lots of beef and gravy, with plenty of this for afters. Yummy!
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Sudden Moment Of Nostalgia
We all have a moment like this. A point in our lives when the memories come flooding back. Memories of being force-fed sulphurous boiled eggs in early childhood, having scrambled eggs pipetted into our orifices in the boarding school dorm and suddenly realising, with just days to go before GCSEs, that we have no idea what's inside that oval shell. Sit back and enjoy Boris Johnson re-live those wonderful moments from life's rich tapestry.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Gordon Brown Attempts To Sieze Back Imprudent Lower Band
Millions of British tax payers were left in a state of shock tonight after the Prime Minister attempted to snatch back the 10p lower tax band that he had given to the nation as part of the 1997 General Election manifesto a decade ago, as Chancellor of the Exchequer. This lower tax band, helping the lower paid to ease their way out of the poverty trap, had been seen as the blazing policy torch of Labour's support for the poor until the events of yesterday.
Former cyclist, Bollywood extra and Playboy centrefold refusnik Konnie Huq (কনি হক), who had been carrying the policy torch in order to draw media attention to temporary lack of full-time employment, spoke tonight of her shock at the incident. "My sister Rupa, who is a member of the Labour Party and an ardent supporter of the Government's policies on taxation and the poor, is bound to think this was all an April Fools' Day joke gone wrong after being delayed at Heathrow Terminal 5. But it was no such thing. The withdrawal of the lower tax band was a shock to me and as a result of it my finances have been 'bashed about a bit'."
The incident was recorded by a Chinese Security Service officer who kindly sent the video clip into the BBC in response to a Blue Peter appeal for material for its forthcoming feature 'Politicians Do The Funniest Things'. I've been able to obtain a copy via a mate of mine who works at Broadcasting House, and here it is.
Stick Your Olympic Torch Where The Sun Doesn't Shine
| I've been to see my GP, but she simply can't come up with any clinical explanation for my recent mental vacillations. Although I've been showing strong signs of bipolar disorder, I haven't been smoking skunk and I'm not pregnant or menopausal so she's not sure what's causing this condition that has been labelled 'snowitis'. |
 Now you see my politics on the right |  Now you see them on the left |
| Only last Tuesday I was bashing radical long-haired, sandal-wearing, dope-smoking, layabout students. Then the following day I was supporting the unaccountable, fraudulent, dictatorial, ineffective, wheeler-dealing, uncontrollable, criminal, PR-obsessed, Trotskyite, conspiratorial, pro-fanatical, anti-Israeli, revolutionary, anti-semitic, profligate, imperial alcoholic Livingstone. Twenty-four hours later I was backing Harman against Hague - even though I'd attacked Harman vigorously not long ago during the Deputy Leadership election and have always vehemently supported comprehensive schoolkids done good over privileged public schoolchildren (except in the case of minor public schools, such as the one I attended). This was followed by another swing to the right - albeit a subconscious one this time as I genuinely did not realise the implication of the PM's smart new logo. Followed by a lurch clean past Livingstone to become a supporter of the SWP's Left List. And ending up on Friday night playing with my torpedoes in the bath. I think you're getting the point by now. Definitely time for another swing back to the left. A demand for the IOC to refuse to award future Olympic host status to any country with a human rights record as bad as China's and insistence on a clear basic level of human rights and democracy as a pre-qualification criteria before you are even entitled to submit a bid to be a host. The Olympic Charter says: "The goal of Olympism is to place sport at the service of the harmonious development of man,with a view to promoting a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity." The current situation in Tibet is not compatible with "harmonious development", "a peaceful society" or "the preservation of human dignity."  I felt ashamed by the participation of British Ministers, celebrities and sports people in the torch relay yesterday and by the co-option as auxiliaries of our police force into helping what appeared to be a goon squad from the Chinese Security Services to protect the flame. Well done to the Free Tibet campaigners for the scale of their mobilisation! The relay was a farce and we should have told the Chinese where to stick their torch. Victory to the people of Tibet! Free Tibet! Down with the repressive state apparatus of China! What do we want? Free Tibet! When do we want... Oh, f**k. I'll have to go now. I've just been arrested. |
Friday, April 04, 2008
Euro Fighters For 2009
Wow - just take a look at these. What fantastic missiles and rockets and guns and things. Zap! Wooosh! Bang! I could play with these for hours. Zip! Wham! Pow! Come on you out there, come and take on New Labour's Britain for the British, if you're tough enough. That should make amends for the previous post.
Scientific Justification For Voting Ken Lindsey (Er... What?)
| Following my late night design session, I logged onto the spoof website this morning to find a whole bunch of comments demanding to know how a moderate Labour type like the one he purports to be could justify supporting Livingstone for Mayor of London. I don't have this sort of problem myself, as I explain my position far more consistently and cogently than the idiot who is impersonating me. In fact my only two comments on the subject were criticising the Greens' sense of poetry and Jon Cruddas' sense of geography. Nevertheless, I thought I'd better demonstrate, scientifically, the basis of my decision to support Ken for Mayor. The successor organisation to Charter 88 has designed this nifty website, which tells you which mayoral candidates' policies you most support. So I'm going to take the test now and write up the results as I go along. |
The capacity of London's airports should be increased. | I've always supported the Kyoto agreement on climate change and attacked Boris for opposing it. So I'd better say no. |
The Congestion Charge should be the same for all cars regardless of their engine size or exhaust emissions. | Cancelling the £25 congestion charge for gas-guzzling Band G vehicles is a policy that we and our Green allies have recently attacked Brian Paddick for. So obviously it's no to this one. |
All residential streets should have 20 mph speed limits. | We've pioneered 20 mph speed limits in Hackney and as the father of a young child how could I not support this. Faster traffic should use the strategic transport distribution routes. So I agree with this one. |
The planning rules that protected the views of the Palace of Westminster and St Paul's Cathedral should be reinstated. | I'm often attacked for supporting unrestricted planning, but it's totally unfair. I've had a much more sensible approach since the Darren Parker debacle. These Tory planning waivers should be reversed. |
London doesn't need any more skyscrapers. | My wife Linda voted against the Dalston skyscrapers on the Planning Subcommittee because she thought the buildings were not appropriate for the location. I'm a bit more iffy on the subject, though it depends on whether they contain affordable housing. I'll abstain on this one. |
The Congestion Charge should be abolished. | Obviously not in a million years would I agree with this. |
'Bendy' buses should be withdrawn from service from inner London. | I've always preferred the old Routemasters myself and although the bendy buses are good for getting ordinary people to work, they also encourage street crime. So I agree with this. |
London City Airport should be closed. | Whatever for? It's a nice little airport on the Thames that never did anyone any harm. |
We should continue to ban the feeding of pigeons in public spaces. | Pigeons spread diseases and I don't want Augustus getting ill through handling them. On the other hand, for some old people pigeons are the pets they can't afford. I'll abstain on this. |
Specific targets on the level of affordable housing that must be built in London should be scrapped. | As I recently argued, Boris' policy of scrapping the 50% target will simply price housing out of the hands of ordinary Londoners. So it's a definite no on this one. |
The lack of affordable rented accommodation is a bigger problem in London than immigration. | I've always argued for sensible policies on immigration, but since when has immigration been a bigger problem than decent housing? It's a yes from me on this one. |
Public sector workers should reflect the ethnic diversity of the communities they serve. | I'm very proud of the ethnic diversity of Hackney and we on Hackney Council have worked very hard to ensure that the community is fully and properly represented in the allocation of Council jobs. So of course I agree with this. |
Inter-racial marriage should be strongly discouraged. | I hardly need respond. Total rubbish. |
The 'stop and account' form that the police have to fill in when they use stop and search powers should be scrapped. | I'd like to see it modified to make less paperwork for police officers, but not scrapped altogether, or we may go back to the bad old days of 'sus'. So it will have to be no to this one. |
Under 18s who abuse their free travel on buses should have it withdrawn and have to earn it back through community service. | I completely agree. They should be made to scrub the walls clean of graffiti by yobs like Banksy and dig the flowerbeds of Sir Julian Pipeshaft while he's on important Council business. |
People found in possession of cannabis should be let off with a warning so that the police can concentrate on fighting harder drugs. | I'm completely opposed to decriminalisation of cannabis, mainly because it's a LibDem policy. But the police are hard stretched and need to focus on the crack dens and heroin dealers round Hackney, so I'll have to agree with this. |
Penalising anti-social behaviour among young people is more important than investing in youth centres and youth services. | This is the sort of question posed just to catch me out. Everyone knows I've been a supporter of ASBOs and other methods of getting tough with anti-social behaviour among young people. But that doesn't mean I expect them to fend for themselves without community facilities. I'm not a Tory on this issue! So it's no. |
We should increase the number of Community Support Officers on the streets to support police. | I've tended to swing both ways on this one, although I never said anything quite as outrageous as my spoofster, when he said of the CPGB that "they have yet however, to arm the workers, unless the proliferation of PCSOs is a first step." I think we probably have enough PCSOs deployed now, so I'll say no to this one. |
The Mayor of London should have the power to appoint London’s Police Commissioner. | Totally disagree. What's the point in having a Metropolitan Police Authority if it doesn't hire and fire its police chiefs? No to this one. |
The Greater London Authority should have powers over primary and secondary education in London. | I'm very nostalgic about the days of ILEA, when good comprehensive education was available to all in London and we didn't have Tory boroughs charging parents illegally for admission. So I'll agree with this one. |
The London Assembly should be replaced with a body appointed by the London boroughs. | Definitely not - that would shift the balance of power towards the Tories and LibDems. |
Tackling poverty should not be a priority for the Mayor. | Again, hardly worth commenting. It should be the highest priority. |
Unemployment should be tackled by giving businesses more freedom. | "Giving more freedom to business" is a euphemism for scrapping the minimum wage, weakening health & safety laws, attacking the trades unions and other Tory savagery. A definite no to this. |
The portion of Council Tax set by the Mayor should be frozen or cut over the next four years. | I've been vociferous in the past about the London precept on my council tax being used to fund a festival of Cuban culture to celebrate 50 years of the revolution. But I wouldn't want to see a Labour Mayorship with a reduced budget. So I have to vote no to this one. |
The jobs and long term regeneration that the Olympics will bring are more important than its cost. | Everyone knows I have absolutely no interest in sport, but I have expressed concern about the spiralling budget for the Olympics. I'm not convinced about the regeneration and employment benefits, so I'll vote no to this one. |
| That's all the questions - now you have to tick the ones on which you have the strongest views one way or the other. I'm choosing these: Emission charge cars, 20 mph speed limit, Congestion Charge, Targets affordable housing, Immigration vs. affordable accommodation, Diversity public sector workers, Inter-racial marriage, Under 18s free travel, Appointing Police Commissioner, Education powers, Appointment Assembly, Tackling poverty, Free business to fight unemployment. Then you click on all the candidates so the result does not just match you to the parties already represented in London and you press "result". And the person whose manifesto are most closely matched by my views is...  What? Something must be wrong. Don't tell me everyone has moved to the right so fast I've been left behind. This could destroy my image. Linda... Linda... help. What do I do? Mind you, the viagra woman/viagra man alliance seems to have worked well - look at their identical scores relative to mine and compare them with floppy Paddick! |
Council Logo
I was incredibly inspired yesterday when I read this post from Guido Fawkes showing the smart new branding for the Prime Minister's Progressive Governance Summit on Promoting Prosperity.
I was especially taken with the PM's dynamic new logo (see left) which puts me in mind of sport and peace - just what's needed at this time of difficulty with the Beijing Olympics.
I can't quite put my finger on the associations, but the logo reminds me of London 2012 and Formula 1, as well as the ancient Sanskrit symbol of peace.
I was so excited that, as I was staying up late into the night anyway, waiting for announcements of Tory victories in the Fenland and East Devon District Council by-elections, I'd use the time turning my artistic talents to redesigning the Hackney Council logo.
I've emailed my efforts (below) to Julian and Jamie this morning and I can't wait to see what they think of my design.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Comprehensive School Boy Trounced By Independent School Girl
I told you it would be fun. And I never had any doubt that our girl would win the day. Hague may have gone on to become President of the Oxford Union and take a First in PPE, but social class always tells in the end. And our girl's got bucket loads more of that than the boy from somewhere up North called Rotherham. Sit back and enjoy Labour's speed queen trumping every one of Hague's stupid jokes. The only bit I didn't understand was the bit at the end about having to look behind her. Someone will have to explain that to me.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
My Proudest And Least Proud Moments
| My second proudest moment in politics was when the London Labour Party's electoral college blocked Ken Livingstone from standing as Labour Party Candidate in 2000 and picked Frank Dobson instead. My least proud moment, as regular readers will know, was when Linda and I got caught by the BBC Panorama team passing the Labour Party membership list to the Dobbo camp in order to give him an unfair advantage against Independent candidate Red Ken and his purple bandwagon. So you can imagine how sick I'm feeling after spending most of my recent spare time canvassing for he man. Why am I doing this? Because, as I explained the other day, Ken may be an unaccountable, fraudulent, dictatorial, ineffective, wheeler-dealing, uncontrollable, criminal, PR-obsessed, Trotskyite, conspiratorial, pro-fanatical, anti-Israeli, revolutionary, anti-semitic, profligate, imperial alcoholic... but these days he's the Labour Party's unaccountable, fraudulent, dictatorial, ineffective, wheeler-dealing, uncontrollable, criminal, PR-obsessed, Trotskyite, conspiratorial, pro-fanatical, anti-Israeli, revolutionary, anti-semitic, profligate, imperial alcoholic. And that makes all the difference. If he was a Tory or a LibDem, I wouldn't touch him with a 50ft barge pole. I've just found some video clips on YouTube that show something of Ken's policies. I'll leave it to you to work out how closely aligned his views are to my own. |
Iraq - the biggest demo in 2000 years | Welcoming Hugo Chavez to London |
I'm backing Jon Cruddas for Deputy Leader | Trident - a total waste of £billions |
Defend Iran against American aggression | You sanctimonious hypocrites - Lee Jasper is innocent |
| I particularly like this viagra video clip. It shows that in New Labour we aren't quite as daft as we frequently look. |
Ken Livingstone was never my first choice for Mayor of London. I used to be my first choice for Mayor of London. But I've completely fallen for Ken's crafty plan to undermine the LibDem leadership and get re-elected. Just because I'm blonde and blue-eyed, it doesn't make me stupid! |
Whatever Happened To Rhyme And Metre?
This poetry contribution to the Dalston debate, purporting to originate from the Children's Laureate and general Hackney trouble maker Wayne Rosen, has just been brought to my attention:
Once there was a shop,
Then the shop was sold.
Then the shop closed, then the shop was burnt down,
Then the wall of the shop was knocked down;
Then the shop was demolished.
Chorus:
Historic Houses in Hackney are safe in the hands of Hackney Council.
Historic Houses in Hackney are safe in the hands of Hackney Council.
Oh... historic Houses in Hackney are safe in the hands of Hackney Council.
Historic Houses in Hackney are safe in the hands of Hackney Council.
Now what kind of poetry is that? What happened to rhyme and metre? (I think that's what Miss Potter called it in English class). And he's supposed to be an Oxford graduate. I bet Boris can write poems much better than what he can.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
NUS April Fools' Hoax Goes Wrong
It was a very funny idea, or at least I thought so.
We never came up with such a great stunt when I was NOLS National Secretary. Mind you, we never managed to find the CIA's phone number, either. The idea of a "Governance Review" leading to transformation of the National Union of Students from a campaigning, representative body into a professional lobby group and annual "celebration" organiser was brilliant. We all kept such straight faces as we proposed a "Blairite revolution" leading to the union being run by spin-doctors, professionals and an old boys' network of sabbatical officers.
The only problem was that the hairy left-wing loonies were supposed to believe it.
But they didn't. Damn!
High Noon In The Palace Of Westminster
 Keeping out water in Centre Parcs |  Keeping out bullets in Peckham |
Should be fun at PMQs tomorrow.
I'm Luke Akehurst..... aka. "Luke The Nuke".
