Election Night Live Blog

02:33 - Sod it - I've had enough. Everybody else is getting pissed and I'm not going to sit here any longer. I'm off for a good night's sleep before the London count and Ken's triumph tomorrow.

02:22 - At least we don't get the knives out for our candidates before their victories have even been declared. Michael Portillo a few minutes ago: "Of course Boris is a particularly unreliable person. How on earth he's going to run a city like London I just don't know".

02:19 - Oh dear, Kelvin McKenzie didn't win Weybridge. What a shame!

02:12 - I seem to be blogging all on my own here. I think Emily has side-tracked Iain to play with his crotch again.

02:10 - Great news - Labour gains 3 seats and the Greens 1 to take Liverpool from LibDem control to NOC. You know what I think about NOC. It's what I blamed for all the chaos in Hackney a few years ago. But I'm sure it'll be different in Liverpool. Although I can't for the life of me think why.

01:53 - I think there may be some quite unpleasant news coming from the sheep-shaggers fairly soon. That'll please Anne Robinson. I know she loves the place.

01:52 - Now they're taking the piss. I can absolutely assure everyone that Labour will not come third in projected share of the vote.

01:50 - The Tories have seized control of Bury, with 26 seats to our 16.

01:45 - Great news - Labour have nearly won control of Oxford, the council that we controlled after 17 of the 22 elections since 1979.

01:36 - Maitlis is lowering the tone to new depths. She's just asked Lynne Featherstonehaugh (that's Fanshaw to you and me) whether Clegg is expecting his percentage in the polls to reach the same number as his female conquests. By the way, Iain's right about one thing. Clegg has disappeared completely. I wonder if he's raising the bar on his poll target.

01:29 - At least Labour isn't losing any seats in the north.

01:26 - I've had this brilliant idea. Everything that Gordon touches turns to s**t, so I'm going to put it about that everywhere Cameron goes turns into a Labour triumph. I wonder if anyone out there is stupid enough to believe me?

01:25 - Clearly Emily has been leaning a bit too firmly on Iain's crotch. Now he's suggesting that Miss Maitlis might like to engage in some woman-on-woman action with the actress Clemency. And it's only half past one.

01:22 - Tomorrow's Financial Times, under the banner "Smashed In The Ballots" is predicting that Gordon Brown will take a serious step to the left, dismissing the remnants of Blair's New Labour team and trying to project a more Old Labour image.

01:20 - I'm sure it won't be as bad as they are predicting. I mean to say - Labour 24%, Tories 44% - that's ridiculous!

01:03 - With about half of the votes counted in the "key wards", the figures against Labour's disastrous all-time-low in 2004 show Labour down another 2% and the Tories up 7%. Oh well, at least we're bound to do better next time. "The only way is up..."

01:01 - I'm pissed off that Emily has been playing with Iain's crotch, but hasn't been anywhere near me.

12:55 - We've lost Hull, Hartlepool and Harlow. I'm getting very worried about places beginning with "H". But things are fine in Hackney. Mostly because we're not going to the polls today.

12:46 - The Tories have taken Southampton in a shock result. John Denham is looking distinctly worried.

12:40 - I just heard that we lost Nuneaton in something approaching a wipeout.

12:24 - I know we lost Blaenau Gwent to the Independents (ex-Labour), but surely not the Council....?

12:14 - We're being massacred in Birmingham. I blame Jasper Carrot myself. Maybe he'll be Boris's appointee as BME advisor.


I've been looking over Iain Dale's shoulder and just realised how to do this election blog. I had been beginning to wonder how I would manage with hundreds of different posts - but he's shown me how to do the whole thing with one post. Simple for Dale, but not quite so easy for me. So here we go.