It's All The Fault Of The Bastard I Supported

I'm very proud today. Ken Livingstone's speech just now was dignified, appropriate and set entirely the right tone. He will go down in history alongside great oratory in death. "Kiss me, Hardy. Thank God I have done my duty." "I'm just going outside. I may not be back for some time." "I am ready to die for my Lord, that in my blood the Church may obtain liberty and peace." "Et tu, Brute?"

On the other hand, it was all the snivelling nasal bastard's own fault. If only he'd listened to people like me and engaged the Labour election machine earlier, he would have won. But Red Ken remains Red Ken. Just like John Kerry and Al Gore he refused to reach out to voters in the centre ground and stuck to his entrenched Trotskyite policies - such as supporting the Olympics, deploying more police, attacking striking London Underground workers, urging non-union workers to scab, defended Ian Blair over the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, privatising the East London Line and developing close relations with City bankers, fund managers and multinational conglomerates.

If only Ken had the sense to adopt our strategy of "triangulation", I'm sure he would have won comfortably. He should have reached out to potential BNP voters, white van men and suburban dwellers in general instead of wasting time on his natural supporters. Trades unionists, poor people and the underclass (if they can be bothered to get out of bed) will vote for us anyway, so sod them.

And he should not have been photographed standing next to men with Middle Eastern appearances and bushy black beards, or recorded telling journalists that Hitler was a good chap.

Bill Shankly got it right - to win you need to triangulate. I'm not exactly sure what it means, but if it was good enough for Tony Blair and for the great Liverpool side of the 1980s, it's good enough for me. Just wait until I get the job of General Secretary of the Party. There'll be triangles everywhere, just you wait and see. We can't afford prawn sandwiches any more, but there'll be plenty of Dairylea cheese spread.