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Thursday, May 08, 2008

I'm Back - And No, I Haven't Destroyed My Political Career

Wow, I needed that! After the difficulties of last Thursday and Friday, I was desperate to get away from it all, so Linda and I headed off to our apartment in Andalucia for a few days, leaving Augustus with his grandmother for a change. The sun, sea and sangria were fantastic, although I must admit that I missed Hackney weather, London Fields lido and a pint of John Smith's. Mind you, it would have been even more enjoyable if I hadn't been forced to wear a balaclava all week - but such is the price of fame. With all those planning committee officers wandering around the village and sunning themselves on neighbouring balconies, I had to keep covered up to avoid being recognised. It's a good job we didn't have time to venture further, as I've been fancying a trip to Burma for some time. But the place has been devastated by a cyclone named after one of my Councillors, which is strange because she's not at all windy or wet.

For those who were on Mars last week and don't know about my media career launch, here are clips of me leading the Election Night blogging team, with Iain the ugly Tory and Alix the tasty LibDem playing minor roles in the background. Have I destroyed my own political career, as suggested by Emily Maitlis? I don't think so! Her helpful suggestion: "do let us help you", accompanied by sniggering from Dimbleby, fellow bloggers and members of the camera crew was just a sign of their jealousy. I don't see anything funny about having had Ken Livingstone use my flat for essential bodily functions while out canvassing. After all, what alternative did he have given that we've closed down all the public conveniences? The fact that I spun the story so my place became the "campaign headquarters for the key Labour area of Hackney North" deserved better than the suggestion from Maitlis that I should install a blue plaque inscribed "Ken Livingstone pissed here".

I think I got it just about right, with such comments as "Labour morale seems to be holding up quite well", "I've been talking up some of the good results Labour's had" and my masterpiece of political prediction for the mayoral contest: "We've got to get into the count tomorrow and see exactly how the votes weigh up before we can predict that". I don't think the latter comment deserved Maitlis's comment about people smiling and not being able to get inside the mind of a blogger. There's nothing difficult about getting inside my mind, I can assure you! I summed it all up with my tour de force: "I think the New Labour brand isn't necessarily sullied... that actually the public like the combination of economic efficiency and tough-on-crime and social justice that New Labour stands for... it's just the 10p thing made them think we'd lost sight of the social justice element". So there you have it. We'll give you all your 10p back and Gordon will be swept back into office with a massive majority at the next General Election.

However bad things may have been for Labour on the night, they could have been worse. We could have had Portaloo on our side, endorsing our mayoral candidate:

That cheered me up no end. I'm looking forward to Brillo's comments on the next episode of This Week.


Anonymous said...

Never mind what they all say. I thought you looked really sexy with your hair matching the sets and your gravel voice. Even if you did talk crap.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic! Gutted I missed you on the telly but was kanckered after working in a Hackney polling station taking votes from trendy lefties all day.

I think a Pee Yellow plaque on the wall of your basement flat would be great. I'm sure you could get the council to cough up the money needed.

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