Linda Gives Birth To My Son

It's the happiest day of my life. Stoke Newington welcomes its newest resident and future Mayor, Jed Augustus George Akehurst. Everyone tells me he looks as handsome as me. Choosing names was very important as we wanted to celebrate the really important things in life.

Jed, of course, is after the guy who won the election for George last year. When I first heard about "hanging chads" I thought they were talking about getting tougher on anti-social behaviour, but apparently its a "d" not a "v" and it's to do with punching holes in ballot forms. Well, I don't care how he did it - well done Jed!

Augustus was the heir and tough grand-nephew of the wet and woolly Julius Caesar. So a bit like Paul and Michael Foot, only Augustus was a damned site more right wing and more successful. He got rid of the liberal, namby-pamby Roman Republic and ruled as the first great Roman Emperor for over 40 years. I'd like Tony to do the same.

The name George celebrates everything Great about Great Britain - and I don't mean cheap clothes at Asda or that Clooney leftie. I mean, of course, the Queen's dad and granddad. And good old George III - not because he went stark raving bonkers of course but because he helped America to stand on its own feet. And without American independence, where would we be now? The place would be run by Germans!