Time For Prezza To Blog Off

I never thought I’d hear myself saying it, but the time has come for John to stand down. It makes me cringe to find myself aligned with the likes of failed Tory candidate Iain Dale Iain Dale's Diary or ex-Tory activist Paul Staines Guido Fawkes' blog, but it looks like continued support is a case of defending the indefensible.

Although I must admit that his God-awful National Union of Semen northern nasal accent has got up my nose more than once, I have always been impressed with John’s blunt speaking. Unlike many traitors in our camp, Prezza has always shown great loyalty to the Party and to Tony. And when it comes to political opponents, he certainly knows how to land a solid punch.

There is much to admire about JP. He was a driving force behind Britain’s greatest architecture legacy, the Millennium Leisure Centre & Casino in Stoke Newington and, working closely with "Big Phil" Anschutz, drew up plans to build many more like it. Bloggers everywhere have reported on his sporting prowess – especially in boxing, croquet, wrestling and ping-pong. And here in Hackney Labour we certainly know how to credit a man who has sexual credentials the size of Prezza’s and knows how to put them about.

Unfortunately it looks like we’ll have trouble convincing the great unwashed to accept John’s finger on the nuclear trigger while Tony is away at Silvio’s. So the competition’s on and first off we need to stop "Paul Foot’s typewriter" Neil Lawson from wheedling Hain into the job or, God forbid, Meacher. We also need to stop Brown’s surrogate Harman, her band of ugly sisters and husband Droney from using the campaign as an opportunity to unsaddle The Great Leader.

So I’ll be supporting the ex Sloane Ranger Johnson, who in recent years has shed his former militant trade union mantle in favour of the kind of moderate, sensible, opportunist line that our opponents derisorily refer to as "right-wing". Alan lists Machiavelli as his most admired character, so he and I have a lot in common.

PS. Sorry about the reference to Iain Dale as "Ian". My spellchecker was turned off.

PPS. Sorry about the earlier references to Prezza as "Pizza". My spellchecker was turned off.

PPPS. Sorry about the earlier references to John Prescott as a strong, powerful, working-class trade unionist supporter of Tony Blair and the New Labour mission. My brain was turned off.