Lord And Lady Porridge?

I am indebted to the Independent on Sunday for the speculation that Tony Blair plans one last magnificent two-fingered salute to the SNP and others who don't understand the law on honours by nominating the donor of a very welcome £2m to Labour, Lakshmi Mittal, for a peerage for services to industry in the resignation honours list.

He should also give working peerages to Ruth Turner and John McTernan, as per previous ones awarded to No.10 staff such as Baroness Morgan. They deserve it for getting on with their day jobs under the most extreme strain imaginable. And I'd stick Lord Levy in the Order of Merit for ensuring through his fundraising that we actually have a competitive democracy rather than Tory one-party rule.

There's just one teeny weenie little issue that we'll have to sort out first - and that's Mr. Charles Leslie Falconer. No, he doesn't need a peerage. Tony sorted out his old mate in May 1997 as soon as he came to power. Nowadays you'd know him better as the Lord Chancellor and, when opposition forces in parliament pushed through the creation of a Secretary of State for Constitutional Affairs in order to reduce the power centralised in one person, The Glorious Leader gave Charlie that job as well.

The little awkwardness is that Baron Falconer of Thoroton just couldn't keep his big mouth shut when it came to the nefarious activities of certain Tory miscreants - Jeffrey Archer and Mark Thatcher to be precise. His forceful argument is that they should be stripped of peerage and knighthood after their respective custodial and suspended prison sentences.

So whereas I'm sure they'll both be OK in the end, there's just this little lingering concern that Ruth Turner and John McTernan might have to seek special leave of absence from Holloway and Brixton to kneel before the Queen and leave Charlie Farley with a bit more of a red face than the claret has already imposed.

As for Blair, I hope he follows the precedent of various French PMs and becomes Mayor of a major city in retirement. I believe Ken is retiring in 2012 and "Blair4Mayor" has a ring to it. Linda and I would be delighted to help him out. I'm sure we could provide a reliable voting list for the lobbying campaign.