Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign
Fighting threats from Stalinists and Fascists to use court injunctions and physical violence to silence free speech
The working class can kiss my arse, I've got the Councillor's job at last
The Luke Akehurst blog - The genuine Luke Akehurst weblog about politics, elections, the Labour Party and that ghastly Hackney place. Ignore counterfeit Luke Akehurst blogs - this is the genuine article from the chap who whips Hackney Labour councillors in his spare time.
Now with extra added ingredient Linda K Smith. Helps wash your family whiter!

"My favourite film is Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb" - Luke Akehurst
"Funny and clever but not particularly nice" - Time Out
"With added foie gras, steak, soft cheese, claret and port (hic!)" - Luke Akehurst
"In gustatus perquam putidus est" - Vatican Bank
"Not so much 'Who's Who?' as 'Who's Sleeping With Whom?'" - Peter Mandelson
"You can judge a blogger's politics by the colour of their blog banner" - The spoof Luke Akehurst
"By a coalition of Trots, tree huggers, anarchists, Tories and a nasty little clique over-excited about my hair colour" - Luke Akehurst

Friday, April 27, 2007

Hazelites

This morning Hazel launched her campaign theme song for the Deputy PM election:

Get up in the morning, slaving for bread, sir,
so that every mouth can be fed.
Poor me, the Hazelite. Aah.

Get up in the morning, slaving for bread, sir,
So that every mouth can be fed.
Poor me, the Hazelite. Aah.

My wife and my kids, they are packed up and leave me.
Darling, she said, I was yours to be seen.
Poor me, the Hazelite. Aah.

Shirt them a-tear up, trousers are gone.
I don't want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde.
Poor me, the Hazelite. Aah.

After a storm there must be a calm.
They catch me in the farm. You sound the alarm.
Poor me, the Hazelite. Aah.

Poor me, the Israelite.
I wonder who I'm working for.
Poor me, Hazelite,
I look a-down and out, sir.

Hazel is a 50-year-old female whose election slogan is "Run Hazel, Run!", presumably because she likes to avoid being pelted with rotten fruit. Hazel has her own MySpace page and she has an amazing total of 20 different friends. Let me introduce them to you.

Tom is a 31-year-old American who helpfully tells Hazel: "I'm here to help you". Ronan is a 22-year-old Sheffield boy who motto is "turn off your mind relax and float downstream..." and would like to do this with his ginger heroin heroine. David is a 23-year-old New York "wandering soul", rather like his idol. Adriano is an 18-year-old Serb who wants to be Hazel's "crystalline poison". Toby is an 18-year-old Norfolk boy who likes "tea and coffee (they're just awsome [sic]), frappuccinos, cheese, old pubs and real beers and ales" and would like to spend Sunday afternoons imbibing with the MP for Salford. Kate is a 25-yr-old Londoner who says: "I am short. I am smiley. I like holidays. I don't like mean people, bossy people or lary people. I like sunshine, ice cream and silly people", so she'll get on well with her new friend.

Steve is a 24-year-old boy from nearby Manchester, who says: "Je suis Steve. I like making up French words, and attempting to speak in a language I don't really know". Hazel is just the same - she likes talking politics. Kirbs is a 23-year-old London alcoholic: "Kirby's drunk, kirby's drunk, that means we are more drunk." He'd like to get Hazel drunk. Goth Fairy is a 21-year-old groupie from Manchester who says: "I like music, theatre, fashion, traveling and art. I love going to gigs, coffee, cigarettes, the Guardian, wine, and boys in bands". So clearly a potential future rival. Jack is a 17-year-old from Wigan, "like a castaway on a warm ocean, waiting for a purpose to life". So even if Hazel is old enough to be his grannie, maybe she could be his purpose in life (as with Wayne Rooney). Paulie is a 28-year-old gay man from Brighton who says: "I love life to the max. It's great to be alive". Hazel couldn't agree more.

Happy Hannah(kah) is a 19-year-old girl from Leicester who declares: "Due To Lack Of Interest Tomorrow Is Cancelled!" Hazel is hoping to find friends who are a little more positive. Such as Helena, a 22-year-old Glaswegian who is into politics. She says: "Hiya!!! I am standing for election this year in the Scottish Parliament Elections on the West of Scotland List! So please vote Labour! As you probs know (or may have guessed), my life at the moment is campaigning and more campaigning for the Labour Party - you must all vote Labour because the SNP's sums don't add up." Abi is a 16-year-old "overgrown kid" from Merton who says: "A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself". Hazel has 20 friends.

Elvis Presley has been reborn as a 16-year-old in America and thinks Hazel may be able to supply him with hamburgers. Edward is an obese 23-year-old patriot from Kentucky who is wasting his time supporting Hazel as he believes in "liberty, democracy and socialism". Mats is a 20-year-old Norwegian whose motto is: "A fist, a face, a fight, a mess of rivers drunk on nosebleed delight". So clearly more of a John Prescott supporter. Hazel's next friend is the University of Leicester Labour Club, who may just be backing all the candidates in order to cover their odds. Finally, CJ is a 23-year-old from Faversham who believes in George Bernard Shaw's dictum: "Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve". Never a truer word spoken. Here's someone who really understands New Labour politics!

My little auburn chipmunk has also been getting some great media coverage recently. For instance, The Enquirer published a fantastic article entitled: Stunning Redhead Wants To Be Deputy Dawg (Haze Flogs Mouse Mats, Hoodies For Supporters). And she did really well with the dope spin after taking advice from Patricia Hewitt to get the line right (that's the verbal line, not the white line): "I had cannabis once from somebody that I knew and I never did it again because it didn't work. It had no effect on me."

Now her campaign has received a huge boost from John Wilkinson, boss of rugby league club Salford City Reds (geddit?), who has donated £10,000 to the campaign. Enough to buy loads of hoodies and mouse mats to hand out to adoring drunk and stoned teenage fans during the election campaign!

2 comments:

A Hackney Loony said...

I think you've been very unfair in this article. Hazel is bloody gorgeous and I wouldn't mind showing her that I don't need viagra, if I has the chance. I agree with you that she wouldn't know a political argument if it fell off a tree, but have you seen her in a leather suit recently? Drop dead chipmunk, mate!

Fred Bradford said...

Aren't these chaps a bit young for Hazel? She seems to have a lot of teenage male admirers. Is this healthy for a woman of 50?