A Crushing Victory For Labour!

It's been a fantastic night for Labour, with election results beyond our wildest expectations and in some ways even better than the General Election results of May 1997 when The Great Leader swept to power on a tide of euphoria.

This was the scene in Westminster in the small hours of this morning as giant icicles that had been forming for months on the gate of Downing Street melted away upwards into the night sky. The Great Leader himself emerged just before daybreak to tell his American audience through a message in The International Herald Tribune that the local election results provided a dream springboard for Labour to win a fourth term in office. Tony announced that the party was running a fantastic neck-to-neck with the SNP in Scotland and might even capture control of the devolved parliament, as well as remaining by far the largest party in Wales. "We've actually done rather better in the English elections than we did three years ago," he added, highlighting the increased Labour vote in the largest part of the United Kingdom.

"You usually take a hit in the midterm", he said in American for the benefit of his audience, "but these results provide a good springboard to go on and win the next national election". Labour was the only party to come out of yesterday's elections with positive results - a stunning 27% and second place overall on current reckoning. The Tories, needing around the 98% mark in order to form the next government, only achieved a miserable 41% of the poll - despite having packed the "Question Time" audience last night with supporters pretending to be ordinary members of the public booing Patricia Hewitt and calling on her to resign. Perhaps the best result of all was the hammering for the LibDems, whose vote crashed from 27% to just 26% after voters rejected the "Party of Methuselah" and voted instead for the party of young and handsome Gordon Brown.

And in the greatest humiliation of all, loud-mouth Alex Salmond - who predicted that his SNP would retain control of Scotland - looks set to lose overall control to Labour under Jack McConald MacDonald McDonell McConnald someone-or-other from across the border. In an act of utter insanity, David Macaroon has described the Tory Party's results as "stunning", and stressed that the Conservatives are on course for a general election win. Stressing the stunning views in South Ribble and those on the other side of the Pennines in the East Riding, Macaroon declared: "Victories like these are representative of the country as a whole and show that we are the one national party speaking up for all of Britain." And Green Party spokescylist Sian 'Bonkers' Berry declared that the party's triumphant win of an extra seat in Norwich was the first step on the party's march to power. These are the results I had only dared pray for. The Great Leader can now set aside any thoughts of resignation and stay on to lead Labour to a glorious fourth term. I'm so joyous and exuberant I've almost wet myself. In fact, you'll have to excuse me, because I actually have.... Linda! Linda, can you help me here for a minute?