A Dangerous EastEight

Tory Party fundraisers have hit on the wheeze of raising money from their members, supporters and individual members of the public who aren't even Party members. They are proposing to charge members of the public unable to contain their excitement at the choice between Boris Johnson and Andrew Boff and whoever the other two are a quid a go on a premium rate phone line to vote in their "primary" to find a candidate for Mayor of London. What a joke! Now everyone knows that the only way to raise sensible amounts of wonga is from very rich people who, for reasons totally unrelated to their generosity, will shortly thereafter achieve 'P's and 'K's (well, a choice of the two, not one of each). What a stupid idea trying to raise funds from individual members and supporters. Why, if Labour did that we would raise... well, never mind, it's a stupid idea anyway.

And that turns my attention to the sad and pathetic Editor of EastEight magazine - frustrated swimmer and thoroughly trounced former candidate for Queensbridge Ward and Hackney Mayoral hopeful, Andrew Boff. Once upon a time the Boffmeister shared many of the political views normally associated with New Labour - sound conservative, sensible, middle-of-the-road, right-wing politics. You know the sort of thing - support for moderation, trades unions that keep their members firmly under control, ALMOs, privatisation of government services, the USA, NATO, nuclear deterrence, the liberation of Iraq, the State of Israel, ASBOs, more police on the streets to deal with trouble-makers and last, but not least, Great Britain and her glorious flag. These are, after all, the very policies that I published in my manifesto for the Labour NEC. But you only have to glance at the email he has issued to potential supporters to see the strange, perverted politics that he has acquired during his paddle in the murky pond of Hackney opposition politics. Amongst the changes that Boffmeister pledges to make if elected Mayor of London are:

Mayoral wannabe and Sam Neill look-alike, Andrew "Boffmeister" Boff

End the obsession with building high-rise one and two bedroomed flats and ensure that new homes should be family homes.	Family homes! More little boxes for dysfunctional families whose kids vandalise your car, urinate on your front steps and steal your hifi while you are out at work. And then don't bother to vote. I don't think so. What we want is more tower blocks with entry phones, more cafe lattes and more yuppies who vote New Labour.
Draft legislation to protect small retailers from the unfair competition of chain stores.	Like the wailing voice of a Luddite banshee on the bleak moors of ancient history. Yet another anti-Tesco protestor. Someone who wants us all to go back to the days of "Open All Hours" and sweets sold in brown paper bags. B******s, I say. Expand Tesco, bring in Morrisons, let's get some damned healthy competition going.
Commission a design for 'A bus for London' rather than just import 'bendy buses'.	Typical left-wing xenophobia - restore Britain's bus manufacturing industry. While we're at it, why not nationalise it and locate it in Sheffield so it can provide jobs for ex-steel workers and ex-miners?
Support local communities who want smaller, less remote Borough councils.	What's remote about our Council? We've got one central town hall and we're about to move into another one. And as for small, the Tory Party is small. New Labour is big!
Insist that Boroughs provide more meaningful activities for our disengaged young people.	More whinging liberalism. National service first, I say, then if that doesn't work let's try flogging and eventually hanging. Set a few examples pour encourager les autres.
Fight against the damage to the environment that overdevelopment and the Olympics threaten.	Typical - green bandwagoning. I wouldn't be surprised if Boff had been down at Heathrow this weekend super-gluing himself to BAA's revolving doors. In fact that wouldn't have been a bad idea at all. The only thing the Olympics threatens to do is to generate masses of additional wonga for Hackney Council. And as for damage to the environment - we just flew back from Barbados and I didn't see any icebergs melting en route.
Introduce a procedure whereby citizens would be able to... place a petition... binding on the Mayor and the GLA. REAL power to the people.	A citizens petition? Who does he think he is? Wat Tyler? Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov? Citizen Smith? Hey - Power to the People, Comrade Dudes!

It's as clear as can be from these policies that Andrew Boff has become a dangerous left-wing subversive, who needs to be exposed for what he is and thoroughly stamped upon. Anyone who considers voting Conservative after reading these radical, green, community-oriented, socialistic proposals wants their heads looking at. But, of course, no-one will. Boffmeister will be trounced by Buffoon Boris and he will be trounced in turn by nice Uncle Ken, a truly great city leader and a Labour Party member whom I have always deeply admired.