Setting The Record Straight

Before there are any unexpected knocks on the front door of 8 Beatty Road, I thought it might be wise if I made a full and comprehensive declaration. The following statement was issued to the media through the auspices of my solicitor, Lord Silversmith, earlier this morning:

I have never had a bank account surplus in excess of £5,000 (except temporarily during my last property move) and for this reason I can categorically state that I have neither personally, or via any intermediary, donated any such sum to any political campaign fund, nor received any such sum for my own campaign fund. This is despite my deep and profound admiration and support for Sir Julian Pipeshaft MBE and my membership of Friends of Israel.

Despite my dislike for one or two Labour Group members who shall remain nameless, I have never declined a donation and pointed the intermediary to another Councillor instead (or vice versa). Nor have I ever made a donation on behalf of any other person while claiming the money to come from me personally. Being a recluse, I never attend political events - so any photographs published in the London Evening Standard, Jewish Chronicle or elsewhere showing me standing next to any person whom the police might wish to interview in connection with the Political Parties, Elections and Referendums Act 2000 are third-rate forgeries.

Gordon and Harriet celebrate victory - I wasn't there

I do not believe that any of this can be laid at the feet of The Great Ex-Leader, who has been attending Dinner and Fundraising Parties in Washington all week and is totally oblivious to the disaster that has recent beset Labour and Fundraising Parties here in Britain. And I am most upset at the MP for Hackney North & Stokie, Diane Portillo, for confiding to Jon Snow on Channel 4 News last night that she has renamed her teddy bear "Anthony Charles Lynton" and as a consequence encouraged baying mobs out onto the street calling for summary executions to take place. Until I saw Newsnight last night, I knew nothing about anyone making any donations via any intermediaries to any other persons, either in reality or allegedly. P.S. Has anyone got a spare £10 - I'm skint and the weekend's coming. Luke Akehurst