A Few Wolf-Whistles

I know I can be a bit dim at times, but midway through a gruelling afternoon down at the BBC Election Night studio in Millbank it suddenly dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't invited to take part in the BBC's election broadcasts because of my handsome face, my informed punditry or my political connections.

David Dimbleby gave it away when, as I first entered the studios, he said loudly: "Blimey, you've managed to find someone to represent Labour". Of course it was only for the late night number-crunching bit of the programme, with a few comments about how much I fancy the LibDem blogger thrown in for good measure. The main Labour representative would be a lot more important than me, of course.

It got worse. Dimbleby rocked back in his chair and laughed as he informed us all that Tessa Jowell would be representing the Government on the night as no serving Cabinet Minister was prepared to be humiliated as the results came in. Still, she's a Minister of sorts even if a demoted one, and more importantly the Minister for London and the Olympics. This will prove extremely useful as the London count is not taking place until Friday and hence on Thursday night she can plead ignorance in response to almost all questions likely to be asked, explaining that they don't come within her brief.

The bad news was not so much that Tessa couldn't be arsed to turn up for rehearsals, as that someone was needed to stand in for her. And guess who got the job? God, it was humiliating. I simply didn't believe Dimbleby when he clacked on about Dustin Hoffman and method acting and how important it was for me to get fully into character for the part. And the wolf-whistles from the camera crew!

What really put me off, though, was when David Dimbleby told me I was "feisty". I really think he fancied me.

I'm going to finish this post with a few predictions:

1. Reading council is the only one in the south east of England outside London controlled by us, so it's vital that we keep control of it. We'll lose it. Listen out for the bugler blowing "The Last Post" as Reading completes Labour southern retreat.


2. The West Midlands will see a massive increase in the Labour vote and we'll gain seats. We should have no trouble keeping control of Wolverhampton after Wolves moved to within two points of the promotion zone on the back of a 3-0 thumping of Cardiff.
   


3. The LibDems will lose control of Liverpool, after Nick Clegg spent the day there. There'll be better news for Liverpudlians, though, as Liverpool will thrash Chelsea later tonight to reach the Champions League final.
   


4. Labour will perform well everywhere in the north where sheep can be found, especially in the Pennine boroughs.
   


5. The Tories will spend a lot of time arguing about exactly how many fractions of a % above 45% they have edged.


6. We won't win enough of the north to make the map look like a true north-south divide exists.


7. We're f***ed in Wales. Strange, really, as they have lots of sheep there.


8. I shan't say anything more about Ken vs Boris because I'm still hopeful of a place in the Big Tent.
   

If you are Labour and reading this, you shouldn't be! Go and watch the Champions League semi-final instead. Have a few beers. Pretend all this isn't really happening!