Stick Your Olympic Torch Where The Sun Doesn't Shine

I've been to see my GP, but she simply can't come up with any clinical explanation for my recent mental vacillations. Although I've been showing strong signs of bipolar disorder, I haven't been smoking skunk and I'm not pregnant or menopausal so she's not sure what's causing this condition that has been labelled 'snowitis'.

Now you see my politics on the right

Now you see them on the left

Only last Tuesday I was bashing radical long-haired, sandal-wearing, dope-smoking, layabout students. Then the following day I was supporting the unaccountable, fraudulent, dictatorial, ineffective, wheeler-dealing, uncontrollable, criminal, PR-obsessed, Trotskyite, conspiratorial, pro-fanatical, anti-Israeli, revolutionary, anti-semitic, profligate, imperial alcoholic Livingstone. Twenty-four hours later I was backing Harman against Hague - even though I'd attacked Harman vigorously not long ago during the Deputy Leadership election and have always vehemently supported comprehensive schoolkids done good over privileged public schoolchildren (except in the case of minor public schools, such as the one I attended). This was followed by another swing to the right - albeit a subconscious one this time as I genuinely did not realise the implication of the PM's smart new logo. Followed by a lurch clean past Livingstone to become a supporter of the SWP's Left List. And ending up on Friday night playing with my torpedoes in the bath. I think you're getting the point by now. Definitely time for another swing back to the left. A demand for the IOC to refuse to award future Olympic host status to any country with a human rights record as bad as China's and insistence on a clear basic level of human rights and democracy as a pre-qualification criteria before you are even entitled to submit a bid to be a host. The Olympic Charter says: "The goal of Olympism is to place sport at the service of the harmonious development of man,with a view to promoting a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity." The current situation in Tibet is not compatible with "harmonious development", "a peaceful society" or "the preservation of human dignity." I felt ashamed by the participation of British Ministers, celebrities and sports people in the torch relay yesterday and by the co-option as auxiliaries of our police force into helping what appeared to be a goon squad from the Chinese Security Services to protect the flame. Well done to the Free Tibet campaigners for the scale of their mobilisation! The relay was a farce and we should have told the Chinese where to stick their torch. Victory to the people of Tibet! Free Tibet! Down with the repressive state apparatus of China! What do we want? Free Tibet! When do we want... Oh, f**k. I'll have to go now. I've just been arrested.