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Friday, April 11, 2008

This Week In Emmerdale

Villagers headed back to the polls in Old Gore Ward in leafy Herefordshire yesterday, less than a year after sexy, bespectacled redhead Tessa McLean was elected to represent the ward on the district council.

Tessa McLean - Herefordshire's most famous emigrantThe gorgeous, pouting Conservative caused a sensation last May by defeating John Edwards, stalwart independent and former council chairman. Having taken redundancy pay from her current job, the exciting new young member of the parish council decided to shove orf somewhere where the tax situation was more favourable, leaving her seat warm for incumbent and Mordiford Parish Council chairman Barry Durkin. Her suave, handsome replacement campaigned on rural issues, under the banner, "Herefordshire belongs to Herefordians". Independent Sellack resident, John Gartside, stood on a platform of ending what he called a "constipation of politics" in Herefordshire, while giving villagers a better deal. "There's a sense of uncertainty with everything at the moment and I want to be there when these decisions are made", he told the local newspaper, with an air of misplaced political confidence. Completing the line-up were unsuccessful Green candidate Adrian Worgan and equally unsuccessful but rurally named LibDem candidate, Jo Lane, whose party finished third last May and came third again yesterday. The LibDem candidate told journalists: "the credit crunch, global warming and the Chinese crackdown are major issues facing us all, but in this election the key issue will be the frequency of the bus service from Ledbury to Ross".

Will Jan drink the whole bottle and get slaughtered?Meanwhile, over in Holmewood and Heath Ward, LibDem supporters were jubilant after inflicted a humiliating defeat on Labour - taking the NE Derbyshire District Council seat by a massive 26 votes. It was the first time Labour had lost the seat since it was created in 1381. Gorgeous, pouting, blonde-haired, victorious Liberal Democrat candidate Jan Robinson said (in a surprising Welsh accent): "Local people are fed up of being taken for granted just because Labour simply couldn't believe that they would vote for anyone else. We never even contested the seat in the last three elections in 1999, 2003 and 2007, so I'm glad we had a pop this time. I am honoured that local residents have put their trust in me. I've not only been elected to the District Council, I've won a bottle of champagne as well. I hope it doesn't go to my head. Bubbly is not something we can usually afford up here, so I'm not used to it.

Next week's exciting by-election takes place in Greendale Ward, Longsleddale District Council, Cumbria. The main candidates contesting the ward are Patrick Clifton, the downtrodden village postman (Labour) and Mrs Goggins, the capitalist post office owner (Conservative). Other candidates are: Julia Pottage (LibDem), Rebecca Hubbard (Green), Sam Waldron (BNP), The Reverend Peter Timms ("Greendale For The Greendaleans"), Ted Glen (Workers Marxist Revolutionary), Ajay Bains ("Greendale Out Of The EU, Bigger Subsidies For Railways").


Myrtle Twingie said...

You explain the results so nicely, Luke. I do hope you post reports like this regularly. Not at all like the imposter, who just lists the results with hardly any comment. You make it all sound so relevant to the typical single mum in Sandringham Road Argos.

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