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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

A Statement From My Solicitor

If I go down, he's going down with me
Lord Silversmith of Clapton Pond
12 July, 2006
"My client, Lord Akehurst, visited Stoke Newington Police Station earlier today on a purely voluntary basis. I wish to make clear that my client’s visit was part of his routine duties as Chairperson of the Stoke Newington Wine Bars and Tandoori Houses Scrutiny Committee and there is absolutely no truth in malicious rumours in the media that my client has been arrested, or detained for further questioning, in connection with any police enquiries.

At no time has my client taken money in the form of 'loans' from commercial organisations in return for them being granted contracts to build leisure centres in Clissold, night clubs in Lower Clapton or nuclear power sub-stations in Dalston as part of the 'cash-for-pockets' affair.

"No charges have been laid against my client Lord Akehurst, who is a well-known and highly respected figure in the community, as well as being Tony Blair’s tennis partner and personal advisor.

"Mayor Jules Pipe this afternoon made clear his support for Lord Akehurst, saying: "this is an internal Hackney Labour Party matter", along with Hackney’s Constitutional Affairs Director who stated: "neither my husband Jack nor I have any knowledge of these dreadful allegations other than what we have read in ‘The Hackney Groveller’."


iLikeAkehurstFanClub said...

My dearest Lord Luke,

The buffoon that runs a not-very-nice spoof on your blog has carried the following entry:
"What I am convinced about is that to restore public faith in the party funding system we need:

. . .

c) a lower cap on national general election spend than the current £20m to reduce the amount of funding the parties need - most of the £20m is in any case wasted on billboard and newspaper advertising that has zero impact on how people vote."

This buffoon seems to forget that a lot of (Hackney) people's livelihoods rely on that £20 million, particularly councillors. I guess you could give us a clearer idea of how much you would like to see spent on PR work and what actually does have an impact on how people vote (not policies, surely?).

Also, his figure of £20m seems to exclude all the pro bono work undertaken by that formerly well-known Dalston vagabond Trevor Beattie, work which would have been worth millions (if it had ever got onto the books). I hear that since Beattie shuffled off to Hampstead Borders his politics have all gone to pot and he's wanting to support the so-called "moderate and left-wing" of the Labour Party. Can't we offer him a peerage to keep him on board?

If we lose him and we are down to £20 million it sounds like we're well shafted! Please, send us words of succour and wisdom.

Yours, with fondness and affection,


Luke Akehurst said...

Thanks, iLikeAkehurstFanClub, for exposing the spoof blogger so convincingly! As you point out, I would never have argued that funds were "wasted on billboard and newspaper advertising that has zero impact on how people vote", as Karen, Alan, Chris, Jonathan, Saleem and myself all work in the PR and media industry and several of my other councillor colleagues depend indirectly on advertising revenues to pay their mortgages and to put air into the tyres of their bicycles.

In answer to your question, I’d like to see at least 85% of Council Tax spent on publishing "Hackney Grain Harvest Today", placing ads for Julian in ‘The Groveller’ and launching self-promotional blogsites – instead of the money being wasted on swimming pools, libraries and community centres.

As for "nasty", he is still firmly on-board, both physically and politically. The reason why he is so often spotted in Glendaville - close to where Linda and I bought separate pied-a-terres after our trial separation - is that he and I have merged our business interests and are about to launch a new agency to be called "Fcuk Cameron And Look At These Enormous Labour Knockers", with its own promo-website "".

Although most of our work will be national, focusing on smearing Party left-wingers and making sure that Brown stays in line after Tony’s departure, I can reassure you that we will continue the "pro bono" work out of Trev’s pad in Dalston. We’ve already come up with a great original idea for an ad in which Diane Abbott and Michael Portillo are the alien crew of a spaceship hovering over Town Hall Square and threatening to vaporise Shoreditch.

Still on the money-shot, eh?