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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Take The Pills

Thanks to "The Grauniad" for listing the runners and riders for the next Labour Deputy Leader. Not an exhaustive list as I can think of a few others (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) who are considering running, but an interesting one nonetheless - Johnson, Hain, Harman, Straw.

Here is a brief test that you can take to see who would make the best Deputy Leader. Pretend to be the successful candidate and answer the following questions.

Q1) Are you a supporter of the Labour Party, Tony Blair, Hackney Labour Party, Hackney Council, Jules Pipe, the UK, the USA, NATO, the State of Israel, Australia, the Australian Labor Party, the New South Wales Right faction, Labour First, Labour Campaign for Electoral Reform, the EU, Sweden and its Social Democratic Party, nuclear deterrence, the liberation of Iraq, our police security services and armed forces, nuclear power, an elected House of Lords, directly elected Mayors, a Controlled Parking Zone for Clifden Road, ASBOs, ALMOs, new security doors on estates in Chatham Ward (10 points for each yes)

Q2) Are you or have you ever been a member of The Communist Party, CND, Compass, CLPD, Campaign Group, Liberty, NCCL, PSC, LMEC, Liberty, Charter 88, Friends of the Earth, Searchlight, Greenpeace, Amnesty International, The Portman Group, the Liberal Democrats, the Citizens Advice Bureau, NSPB, NSPCC, the National Pure Water Association, Action on Smoking and Health, the Vegetarian Society, the London Cycling Campaign, the Soil Association, the human race? (minus 10 points for each yes)

Q3) Did you vote for Tony Benn, Hugh Gaitskell or Benjamin Netanyahu in previous Deputy Leadership elections? (-100 points for Benn, 10 points for Gaitskell, 50 points for Netanyahu)

Q4) If you had been a Labour MP in the 1987 Leadership election, would you have voted for Neil Kinnock or Margaret Thatcher? (20 points for Thatcher, minus 40 for Pillock)

Q5) Did you think the good guys in the Vietnam War were a) the vicious, savage, baby-eating Communist Viet Cong led by Stalinist dictator Ho Chi Minh or b) the wonderful, heroic, peace-loving US Marine Corps led by Arnold Schwarzenegger? (score this one yourself)

Q6) In which year did you first publicly call for the expulsion of everyone in the Labour Party who did not agree with your extreme right-wing views (2 points for each year from 2006 back to 1972)

Q7) Did you support Queen and Country in the following conflicts:
A great future Deputy LeaderThe Crusades, the French wars of Richard I, Henry III, Edward I and Edward II, Edward III and Henry V, the Welsh Uprising, the Battle of Bouvines, the Wars of Scottish Independence, the Hundred Years' War, the Wars of Charles the Wise and Charles the Victorious, the Italian Wars, the Cornish Rebellion, the Anglo-Scottish Wars, the Anglo-Spanish War, the Nine Years War, the Eighty Years' War, the Anglo-Powhatan Wars, the Irish Rebellion, the Anglo-Dutch Wars, the Anglo-Spanish War, King Philip's War, the Monmouth Rebellion, King William's War, the Jacobite Rebellions, the War of Spanish Succession, Queen Anne's War, the War of the Quadruple Alliance, the War of Jenkins' Ear, the War of the Austrian Succession, King George's War, the Seven Years' War, the Franco-Indian War, the Anglo-Cherokee War, the Anglo-Mysore Wars, the American War of Independence, the Anglo-Maratha War, the French Revolutionary Wars, the Wars of the Coalition, the Irish Rebellion, the Napoleonic Wars, the South American War, the Anglo-Turkish War, the Anglo-Russian War, the Peninsular War, the Kandian Wars, the Vellore Mutiny, the Anglo-Dutch Java War, the British-American War, the Anglo-Nepalese War, the Anglo-Burmese Wars, the Canada Rebellions, the Anglo-Afghan Wars, the Opium Wars, the Anglo-Sikh Wars, the New Zealand Wars, the Crimean War, the Indian Rebellion, the Pig War, the Anglo-Bhutanese War, the Anglo-Zulu War, the Boer Wars, the Anglo-Zanzibar War, the Boxer Rebellion, the Anglo-Aro war, World War I, the Easter Rising, World War II, the Anglo-Iraqi War, the Malayan Emergency, the Korean War, the Mau Mau Uprising, the Cyprus Emergency, the Suez Crisis, the Brunei Uprising, the Indonesia-Malaysia confrontation, the Aden Emergency, the Falklands War, the Gulf Wars, the Bosnian War, the Kosovo War, the Afghanistan War, the Iraq War
(10 points each)

Q8) Who made the greater contribution to the history of the Labour Party: Luke Akehurst or Akehurst, Luke? (100 points for each)

If you scored 1,000 or more, I think you will know you who the best candidate would be. Can anyone out there work out the miserable little scores for the "Grauniad 4"?


El Tom said...


now thats what i call effort...

Luke Akehurst said...

I'm better educated than the little twat pretending to be me.

Vivian Bolus said...

Dear Luke - a great site. I didn't know you had it in you. You little shit. Anyway, when I saw your email to me a couple of weeks ago I was prepared for the worst, wouldn't anyone? So imagine my surprise when you wrote this:

"Dear Vivian,

I read your letter in the Gazette today and agreed with the points you made. You will have seen from the Gazette coverage that my colleague Cllr. Alan Laing is taking the lead on this issue.


I couldn't believe it - Hackney Council was going to do something, about something, in response, a change, a stand even... I had an image of you striding around Town Hall, knocking on doors, texting - not fucking well taking no for an answer...

But no... You fucked it... Not a squeak out of you since. So we're left with this from your master:

"Dear Mr Bolus [sic]

"Thank you for your recent emails regarding Nicky Cruz and TRUCE, and I apologise for the slight delay in responding. It is extremely important to the Council that the needs and beliefs of all of Hackney's communities are respected. Hackney is one of the most diverse boroughs in the country – not only in terms of ethnicity, but also faith, disability, age, sexuality and gender.

"We are committed to promoting equality and community cohesion across the borough. In terms of the TRUCE events at the Ocean last Thursday and Friday, I too was concerned about the involvement of Nicky Cruz after reading of the homophobic comments that had been posted on his website. Homophobia is abhorrent and inexcusable, and the Council would never knowingly give support to a homophobic organisation.

"The TRUCE events were commissioned by the Metropolitan Police, and as soon as this issue came to light I asked the police to carry out an urgent investigation, and seek assurances from both TRUCE and Nicky Cruz.

"Responsibility for allowing the event to go ahead lay with Chief Supt Simon Pountain, the Borough Commander. Chief Supt Simon Pountain liaised with representatives of the Church and the lesbian and gay community, before making a decision on this matter.

"Following the apology from TRUCE that was published in the Gazette, he received assurances from Nicky Cruz that he is committed to the equalities policies and values of both the Metropolitan Police and Hackney Council. For this reason, Chief Supt. Pountain decided not to oppose the events taking place. He issued the following statement on this matter:

"After careful deliberation, during which time I have worked closely with representatives of both the Church and the Lesbian and Gay community in Hackney, I have decided not to oppose the events at Ocean this week, where youths from the local community will be showcasing their experiences of the TRUCE initiative to parents and visitors. I delayed making this decision until I was sure that Nicky Cruz had been spoken to, in person, about the values of the Metropolitan Police and Hackney Council, and that the assurances we sought had been given unequivocally. Subsequently, I am reassured that the sole purpose of this event is one for our young people, as TRUCE have demonstrated their understanding and shared their expertise in the growing issue of youth gang culture. We are committed to working with all our communities to make Hackney a safer place, and the overriding principle in this case is the benefit that has been given to our young people. I will work with all involved and endeavour to ensure that the event goes ahead peacefully, in the hope that it is used to showcase the encouraging efforts from the young people of Hackney."

"I appreciate that you would have preferred the events not to have gone ahead, but I hope that this does give you some reassurance that complaints were treated seriously before the events took place, and guarantees were sought that Nicky Cruz and TRUCE would sign up to the equalities policy and not make any homophobic remarks.

"Cllr. Sally Mulready (Cabinet Adviser for Equalities) and officers attended the event at the Ocean to monitor the situation, and have confirmed that Nicky Cruz did not at any point refer to gay people or make any remarks about the lives of gay people.

"I note your comments regarding the lack of evidence that TRUCE carry out "valuable anti crime work"; I have asked the police for a full evaluation of the events, so that a proper assessment can be made as to their impact and the outcomes in terms of engaging youth and reduced gang activity.

Yours sincerely

Jules Pipe
Mayor of Hackney"

Which of course is wank and we all know it - this week’s Gazette editorial is closer to the truth.

I've joined a group who've started a blog, you might like to look, it's a bit avant aclue but I have only just got back.

Your blog is Swiftian, the best praise i could give.

All the best


Luke Akehurst said...

Vivien - I think you are being a bit tough on Julian. After all, he may not have done anything very useful but he did write you a very long letter entirely free of cost, whereas he normally charges by the word.

In line with our declared policy of "anti-tokenism", we assigned our most openly gay councillor to lead on the homophobia issue and our most disabled councillor to attend the event at Ocean and achieve a miraculous and rapid exit from her wheelchair at the behest of the happy-clappies.

con trick said...

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You probably don't earn enough money to keep a wife and eight mistresses, but there's a way you can do this and still have change left over for a good meal or two in Church Street.

I can recommend this link...
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Just click below and my trojan virus will leap into your PC and f**k you right up by sending your entire address book to every schoolchild with a blogsite in California.

Have a nice day.


ilikelukeakehurstfanclub said...

Vivien - An almost identical letter from Julian has been sent to a chap called Paul Stott, with one interesting 'deviation'. In the letter to Paul (see, it appears that Pipe has "outed" Sister Mulready, having written "Cllr Sally Mulready, out Cabinet Adviser for Equalities". Is there no end to the sexual peccadillos of that Cabinet?