Labour Is United

The "big message" today is that Labour is united. Dave Hill called me on Sunday to tell me this and to ask me to get together with Sion Simon and Chris Bryant to reinforce the big message through the media. I am pleased to reproduce extracts from the memo that we drafted during a teleconference late last night and leaked to Kevin Maguire in the small hours. I must admit I was knackered at the time, having just got back from holiday, so I hope it came out OK.

"Time is not an unlimited commodity. Tony's genuine legacy is not his political achievements, God only knows what a mess they have been, but the dominance of Tony's personality ... the triumph of Blairism. TB needs to be focusing way beyond the finishing line, not looking at it. He needs to go with the crowds wanting more. He should be the star who won't even play that last encore. In moving towards the end he must focus on the future. We need to be thinking on a timeline of many years yet before he finally steps down to tumultuous rapture.

"The biggest problem will be Gordon's reaction. When he realises that Tony is not handing over to him, despite all the deals and promises, Gordon will become very agitated and possibly become destabilised. We may need to have him committed for his own good.

"We need to address the elephant of Iraq in our media plan. It's the elephant in our underpants. We need to send in tens of thousands more troops. What about going out in the wake of a successful invasion of Iran, with troops crossing simultaneously both from Iraq and from Afghanistan? Are we up for it? Is TB up for it?

"We need to arrange a farewell global tour for Tony, looking to his brilliant future syndicating his memoirs world-wide, making sure his bank balance is sound and the public remember him as the Emperor he has truly become. To maximise Tony's options for the future, he needs to embrace some trees, assorted arty-farties and big businessmen. It might even be a good idea for him to be seen travelling on different forms of transport, such as trains and buses (although only after we've cleared the rubbish off and filled then with Eliza's boys). He also needs to visit a top personal stylist who can raise his eyebrows.

"Tony needs to travel around the UK, carefully positioning himself as someone who is totally above politics and well distanced from the chavs of the political village. He needs to move on from 'I'm getting on with the job' to 'I'm brilliant and the best man for this job. I may have to hand it over in twenty years or so and before that time comes I still have lots to do and say'.

"In the run-up to Tony's eventual exit at Labour Conference 2027, we will arrange for Tony to make a number of key television appearances on programmes that shape the nation's political views: Blue Peter, Songs of Praise, Big Brother and Luke Akehurst's radio show. Tony will spend a day and night in six cities across the country; visit the twenty firms with the most strikes since 1997 and organise charity tours of schools and hospitals for anyone willing to donate food and cleaning materials.

"Most importantly of all - and keep this quiet chaps - we should avoid discussing the job offers we've all been made in exchange for creating a pre-emptive false split in the Party at a time when we can soundly crush the opposition."