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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Riots As Prime Minister Admits Lying

Bang, bang, bang!

I was awakened this morning by a loud banging on my bedroom door. It was Linda, come to tell me that a large group of local journalists had gathered outside Luke's Supermarket And Off Licence downstairs, blocking the traffic and causing quite a lot of local attention. "They're demanding to see you", said Linda, breathlessly. "They want to know what you are going to do about the riots." Through the window I could hear the distant chanting: 'Blair out! Blair out! What do we want? Blair out!' and the sound of breaking glass and gunshots.

I rubbed my eyes and took stock of the situation. "How the hell did this happen?" I asked. "What's going on?" "Well", replied Linda, "apparently Tony lost his marbles last night and admitted publicly that he lied through his teeth to win us last year's General Election. It seems that he confessed to manipulating the economic figures, offering peerages for cash and having been involved in drawing up the 'dodgy dossier'. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. What's worse is that it's all been leaked in a tape to the media."

Time to call for SuperWhip"Oh my God!" I exclaimed. "How has this happened? What's gone wrong with the spin? We've got to get this under control. Call Godric and Gus and tell them to get their arses over to my office immediately. If the Press Office and Cabinet Office can't deal with this, the Chief Whip certainly can!" I leapt out of bed and pulled my red pants on quickly over my blue jump suit. "Where's the bloody badge?" I shouted. "Don't tell me it's in the wash basket again."

Bang, bang, bang. The knocking sound started up again. I could hear Linda replying to my question. "Come on Luke! Wake up. Come on... it's half past eight!"

"What's... what's... Oh hell! I've overslept. Linda, quick, make up a good excuse for the office, will you, while I brush my teeth. They're going to be very pissed off down at Weber Wickshand. I'll have to tell them some sort of lie."

"Funny", I thought, "I'm sure I had an awful nightmare last night, but I can't remember a damed thing about it."

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