The Blunkett Tapes, Part 98

Only now can the truth about what went on behind locked cabinet doors finally be revealed. I had to borrow a large screwdriver to jemmy open the cabinet doors in order to get the whiskey out and give myself the Dutch courage I needed to put my diaries onto tape.

Why publish now? You try living on no income when you've been used to a minister's salary.

The people I met in the course of my time as a minister were, quite frankly, not always up to my intellectual level. Quite flabby, in fact, most of them. And they lacked the iron discipline with which I pursued my political aims. The Heathrow panic of 2003 was typical. When I was told they were sending in the tanks I thought: "Oh my God, we can't be seen to be doing this sort of thing. Surely we can reduce airplane CO2 emissions through negotiation, rather than by force. But the civil service panicked. Only I was steadfast. Only I was right.

And then there was the sad and pathetic Nick Brown, Chief Whip, former Agriculture Secretary and Gordon's campaign manager. When BSE broke out shortly before the 2001 election he just couldn't get a grip on it all. He wanted to burn all the cattle in Britain, whereas the correct approach was vaccination. All we needed was a few pricks in fields and everything would have been alright. Just ask Ron Davies. Brown flapped about trying to make it a team game until Tony had no choice but to sack him. But I was a steadfast individual spirit. Only I was right.

Another hopeless individual was Martin Narey, Director-General of the Prison Service. He reacted to my diaries by putting it about that I had an inclination to panic in tight situations. He even said that I proposed to regain control of riot-torn Lincoln prison by using the Army to machine-gun the inmates. The trouble is, of course, that he was right. He wanted to give them all extra cigarette rations and new televisions. Only I was tough enough to proposed decisive action. Only I was right.

They were all like that. Weak, intellectually flabby, indecisive and most of them unable to maintain a good erection without the aid of viagra. Only I could manage to run a government department while shagging Sadie and fixing a nice Winalot dinner for the Editor of the Sextator.


God, how I fancied stroking that after a long day's work and a few bevvies

Only I am sane. The rest of them are all mad. Even Tony, who was my bestest mate in all the world and never ever let me down, even he was a bit mad. That's why I was sacked. They all ganged up against me. All the lunatics. But I will return one day to claim the crown that is rightfully mine. Because I am the only sane person left on the entire planet. And even I'm a little bit doolally. Just a little bit.