Voting Time

Following the May local election results which were dire for Labour almost everywhere in Britain except Hackney (nnwwsnm) and with Ladbrokes quoting Macaroon odds-on at 4/6 to sweep into power at the next General election, Tony said "Jagshemash!" to President Nursultan Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan last night as his fellow Great Leader arrived in London for discussions on "matters of mutual national interest". President Nazarbayev, Great Leader of the Central Asian republic recently made famous in the 20th Century Fox film "More Law Suits Than You Can Shake A Goat At", will meet the Queen and Tony Blair this morning and will take tea with Gordon Brown later today as part of Tony's carefully planned handing-over process. Discussions will focus around two topics, votes and oil, although Downing Street was at pains this morning to stress that the subjects are quite unrelated and that media references to "oil for votes" would not be appreciated.

President Nazarbayev with his wife and secretary on an earlier visit to Blackpool

Once again, The Great Leader has struck a master blow! The much-loved democratic President Nazarbayev, former Chairman of the Council of Ministers and First Secretary of the Kazakh Communist Party, achieved a magnificent 91.2% of the vote in a completely fair national election in December 2005. Clearly this is a man who can show us the way to a glorious fourth term.

Any advice and assistance in this area will have no bearing whatsoever on our decision to purchase large quantities of oil from this great humanist leader, following Red Ken's failure to secure a contract with the unelected tyrant and dictator Hugo Chávez of Venezuela.

The Prime Minister and Mr Brown are expected to pay tribute to Kazakhstan's people, history, culture and vast quantities of energy reserves. If all goes well, Nazarbayev plans a return visit next year when Gordon will be able to meet other members of the President's family. Such a meeting is likely to open other great opportunities for trade with democratic Kazakhstan. Daughter Dariga is the daughter-in-law of the former minister of healthcare and wife of the first deputy minister of foreign affairs. Daughter Dinara is the daughter-in-law of the former minister of construction and wife of the first deputy chairman of Samruk, which manages the most important state-owned companies including KazMunaiGas. Daughter Aliya is a prominent businesswoman and ex-daughter-in-law of the former president of Kyrgyzstan, Askar Akaev.

Unfortunately, several prominent members of the opposition including Zamanbek Nurkadylov and Altynbek Sarsenbayev will be unable to take part in the bilateral discussions, due to their having experienced unfortunate fatal accidents during the past 12 months.

A newsagent kiosk operative from Baldock, near Letchworth

So never mind the antics of newsagent kiosk operatives from Baldock - this is where the real voting story is to be found! Armed with the techniques that we will surely learn from our co-operation with the great country of Kazakhstan we are surely on our way to fourth, fifth and even seventy-eighth terms in power. In the meantime, I'm off to Ladbrokes to put some serious wonga on Labour to win the next General Election at 11/10 against.