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Saturday, January 13, 2007

Groveller Prints Something Sensible, Something Stupid

I was away from all forms of email and internet yesterday, so I was unable to report the news to all those Labour people who have given up reading the "Hackney Groveller" in despair that this week they actually printed something sensible - this front page article about ME:

Me, Glorious Me in The Groveller

In the story, "The Groveller" reported how I had declared myself "gobsmacked" by the Papal Envoy's decision to send her child to an exclusive private school with facilities for equestrianism, tennis, swimming and golf. With my blood starting to boil, I declared: "I'm Old Labour on this sort of issue. It's incompatible with being a Labour MP to pay for private education or private healthcare. This is a class issue - the workers must rise up with the red flag fluttering proudly overhead and declare an end to the elitist privileges of the champagne-quaffing, polo-playing ruling class that consigns decent working families to lives of poverty and misery and their children to the workhouses that pass for East End community schools!"

Oh, s**t. I think I may have gone a weeny bit too far on this one. Well, you know what it's like when they send an attractive young journalist to interview you and you're surrounded by photographers...

It was also a bit embarrassing for my feature to upstage Gordon's carefully stage-managed visit to Lauriston Primary in South Hackney, promoting the success of Labour's Reeding, Riting and Rithmatic programme. The Old Queens are going to be a bit p****d off with me when they find out that I made page 1 and Gordon only made page 4. Especially after the story was splashed across both "The Groveller" and "The Yorkshire Post"!

There's been a lot in the media lately about how Brown is a dour, stay-at-home desk man with no social skills, no charisma and no contact with ordinary people. So we PR people have been carefully manipulating his image lately, with Gordon Brown - Man Of Union, Green Gordon and Global Jet-Setter Brown. Hey, Linda... Is this bit right? Can you be "green" and "a global jet-setter"?

I hope this is the right photo... it doesn't look much like DarrenSo... to the point of my article. It's been a great week to bury bad news in Hackney. With me up front and a smiling Gordon on page 4, nobody but nobody is going to reach page 5 and read the unpleasant piece about Councillor Darren Parker and the Faulty Towers. Regular readers will remember that I initially wrote a piece supporting the new Dalston developments but, on reflection, came to the conclusion that the development was a monstrous project that will blight the Dalston area and bring misery to thousands of hard-working peasants who will be driven from their homes and businesses by soaring property prices.

When subsequently the Trots and tree-huggers started to attack fellow Councillor Darren Parker for having chaired the committee that approved the development while allegedly having an undeclared personal interest through his employment, I rose to his defence. I explained that The Standards Board for England had quite properly referred back two complaints about this affair to our internal Monitoring Officer Meighoiughk Gullivers-Travels, who I was sure would find Darren even more innocent after a full and proper investigation.

So there was absolutely no need for the stupid, vicious little piece entitled: "Two Councillors In Misconduct Probe". It's just another attempt to stir things up unnecessarily and if it wasn't for the nice piece about me I would certainly be writing to Julian again about withdrawing advertising revenue from the local rag. Still, at least it's on page 5, so hopefully no-one will ever read it.


Clear Hardly said...

Luke – you’re so right. Darren “One man, two votes” Parker really can’t be blamed for using his casting vote in favour of replacing Dalston’s crumbly old ruins with luxury Pipe Towers. The fact that his employer, Commissions Arriving in Brown Envelopes (CABE), gave glowing recommendations for the project just goes to illustrate Darren’s fearless impartiality in stepping in to save the day after that wet, Vincent Van Stropp, vacated the Chair claiming a conflict of interest because his employer, TfL, were asset stripping Old Dalston to pay for New Dalston’s Olympic Bus Station.

Aminda Shah (aged 6) said...

The Groveller doesn't know who's who and published its comments based on your spoof site, rather than on the genuine article.

At least the Times Online knows what's what and other day published a long article based on your posting.

So we know where to find quality journalism!

samantha terry-osheoleur said...

I think it's very tasteless of you to make homophobic side references on your postings at a time when a gay councillor has been viciously attacked on the Town Hall steps. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Luke Akehurst said...

Eh? You've lost me there.