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Friday, January 12, 2007

Three Things That Definitely Won't Happen

Look into my eyes... my eyes...Back on Christmas day I published my end of year predictions for the three stories that would definitely not happen in 2007.

My first prediction was that Julian and Penny would not be awarded gongs for "turning Hackney around". I was half right. The dark and mysterious powers simply couldn't stomach this one so they gave an OBE instead to Sue Foster, Assistant Director of Regeneration and Planning, for knocking down useless and ugly old theatres and replacing them with socially useful tower blocks of luxury flats and for cleaning up the department so brown envelopes are no longer required (they now deal in white envelopes only). I take this as a gong by proxy, so only half a point there.

My second prediction was that David Beckham would not sign for Tottenham. So today he announced his impending departure from Real Madrid and his new contract with... Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer. Oh, come on... that's got to be half a point! It may be a long way off but it's not far out.

My third prediction was that the Labour Party would declare itself bankrupt and unable to meet its financial demands...


paolissimo said...

just come across your blog ... and as a committed supporter of Labour, I see it as the best thing I have read since the great old days of Private Eye. You're in my favourites already!

Anonymous said...

A gong for doing what you are paid to do! Shame on them for accepting them. You get recommended for it by the people who employ you and with whom you drink - and then you return the favour by recommending them.

Equal opportunities, Black History Month, abolish House of Lords, lie about creating meritocracy then accept a Bauble of the BRITISH EMPIRE.

Just like British war really - the further you are from the front the more ribbons and medals you get.

Clear Hardly said...

Luke - its a great comfort to hear from you that Sue Foster's Planning Team are phasing out brown envelopes and from now on will deal only in white elephants. And how very appropriate it is that Sue has been rewarded with the last Old Brown Envelope left for her services to blighting Dalston. I have also learned that Sue is following through these radical policies with a brilliant wheeze to solve, at a stroke, the problem of Hackney's rapacious property developers and the backlog of thousands of unauthorised developments - authorise them! That will certainly put that nasty interfering Ombudsman in his place wont it! Plus it will bring her Department's performance targets bang up to speed overnight. QED - or should I say OBE.
PS How many white elephants can you get into a New Dalston Olympic bendy-bus?

Luke Akehurst said...

I don't know who you are Paolissimo and from your name I assume you are a large Frenchman, but I want to make clear that this is a serious political blog and I don't need any of your cynical sarcastic and satirical wit here, thank you.

paolissimo said...

Now I'm really not sure whether you are serious or whether your comments are a bluff! A fat Frenchman I am not but I can live with that insult? I'm not good at cynicism, satire and sarcasm ... I'm just a simple lover of the Labour Party who has big concerns about the behaviours of some of its members, and that includes national figures as well as locals.

Luke Akehurst said...

You may not be good at cynicism, satire and sarcasm but there's no room for such things here.

I'm no good at languages, so if my translation of Paolissimo as large Frenchman was not correct I can only apologise.

I'm more worried about you being a lover of the Labour Party. What are you, some kind of pervert? Just may the subscription fees and encourage your family to join as well. We need the money right now.