More From The Good Old Days

Capitalism is what makes this country great!

According to today's Guardian, British workers will stage protests outside a private equity summit to warn of the "growing threat" to jobs. The GMB has organised the protest as part of its escalating campaign, and will parade banners that read: "Conference of the locusts", and "Private equity asset strippers." Paul Kenny, general secretary of the GMB, said: "Only in the last few weeks has the GMB campaign put names and faces to the multimillionaire elite who run this industry and made clear what they do. And national officer Paul Maloney said of private equity bosses: "They have made untold billions for number one and they have the out of touch behaviour patterns of the aristocracy of old with a complete disregard for the harm they do to others." So - courageous entrepreneurs backed by irreversible market forces help to modernise and reinvent our economy and what to we get? The old trades union fossils crawling out from under their stones to protest. This is the sort of trades union behaviour that led to the three-day week, piles of uncollected refuse on our street corners, the triumph of Maggie Thatcher and Labour's isolation from the mainstream of British politics during 18 years of Tory mis-rule.

That was "the good old days". Trotskyite rabble on the streets and decent hard-working people like you and me unable to go about our lawful business. But under the rule of The Glorious Leader, we have turned all this around for good. Nowadays these ungrateful Communist demonstrators are no longer welcome in our working class communities, so they've been forced to crawl over to Germany for today's protests. Well, go and good riddance, I say. Don't bother coming back. Screw up the Bundes-economy instead!

I was so proud to read the statement issued the other day at her manifesto launch in Salford by the only candidate worth considering for Deputy PM - my "little ginger chipmunk": "Enterprising people, through private equity and other means, have been able to go into companies which are failing, turn them around, secure jobs, make sure the pensions scheme is secured, and, in very many cases, have breathed new life into enterprises which otherwise would go to the wall. It's a very good thing to make sure our economy continues to prosper." Atta girl! You tell 'em. At a time when the loony lefty candidates for the leadership have called for laws to limit the ability of private equity to make big returns from asset-stripping and lay-offs at the firms they buy, Hazel has understood the importance of free market capitalism and reaffirmed Labour's commitment to it. Hazel's comments came as Texan electricity firm TXU agreed a £22.9bn takeover by a private equity consortium led by Kohlberg Kravis Roberts and Texas Pacific, in the largest leveraged buyout in history. I don't know what The Ministry of Truth meant when referring to Hazel being "authentically Labour" as an oxymoron. She's not just authentically Labour - she IS New Labour.

The "little chipmunk" socks it to 'em

Hazel's PR visit to Hope Hospital was a shining example of the way that, under Tony's leadership, we have put the demo-ridden past behind us and aligned the party behind freedom, liberty, free market forces and Helen Mirren. The LibDems and Tories can only squirm and put about filthy lies in an attempt to divert us from our true path. Their latest muckspreading about private equity company donations to the Labour Party is a typical example. Through their friends in the Electoral Commission they claim that the Labour Party has received donations of hundreds of thousands of pounds from leading figures in the private equity sector, including £250,000 contributions from private equity financiers Nigel Doughty, Sir Ronald Cohen and Jonathan Aisbitt. Now what kind of moron (oxy or otherwise) would believe that the Chair of a political party on the verge of bankruptcy would be tempted to align herself with private equity financiers in order to secure funding for the Party? It's just sour grapes from others who didn't think of it first with no principles.