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Monday, February 26, 2007

In The Good Old Days could trust someone who phoned you and introduced himself as a fellow Councillor. I think everyone is entitled to express their views in private with friends and colleagues, even if they would never make those opinions public. So Rory Bremner should be ashamed of himself for pretending to be Jamie Carswell, taping the following conversation with me shortly after May's Council elections and publishing the transcripts.

Jamie Carswell, Stokie Central & Channel4RB: Hi Luke? Hi it’s Jamie.
LA: Alright Jamie, what can I do for you?
RB: Have you been out and about today?
LA: About, yeah.
RB: I’ve been meaning to catch you actually, how’s it going?
LA: I think its going reasonably positively, you know, we’ve been mostly with our Muslim community this afternoon, they’re always incredibly polite you know, even the retired PKK members, but I mean, there seems to be a reasonably warm and friendly atmosphere now all the votes have been filled in and the enveloped stuck down, let’s put it that way.
RB: No surprises?
LA: Not so far. But there will be for the Boffmeister when the results are announced. We've really given him a good stuffing. Oops! I'd better not use phrases like that where I can be overheard, had I?
RB: That’s good, that’s good. Have you spoken to Jules about next week?
LA: No, I haven’t actually, no.
RB: 'Cos obviously he’s going to get Chris and Christine back in with big majorities in the Wick, and Sade will probably get a lot more votes than Jonathan and Barry and get a bit carried away with herself, and I don’t know how you feel about that. 'Cos obviously we’re going to have to talk about the cabinet reshuffle over the weekend.
LA: Being perfectly honest Jamie, and I wouldn’t say this to anybody else, I mean I think Sade’s a bit of a risk at the moment because of being in the middle of that business with the church funds, but, you know, so long as he gives her the speakership where she can prance about in robes and not an executive place in the cabinet, that’s another thing. I mean, I would be happy to stay where I am, not least because I like to have a grand sounding title for the PR value, you know, but I don't want any real responsibilities because I'll be too busy planning for the next general election.
RB: That’s fair enough, what about the other posts, where do you think the weaknesses are?
LA: Well, I’m just mentally running over in my mind. We need a Deputy Mayor of course, after J's little accident. I don’t know where’s he’s going to put Karen if she wants to come back.
RB: Don't say anything, but I think you'll find someone good looking and intelligent will be getting the DM job, but Karen? I think we'll bog her down with admin jobs. She can look after property, legal and peasant relations.
LA: Congratulations. I'd heard you might get a shove up the pole. As for the rest of the posts, a lot depends on the new boys and girls. I suggest we give them the street jobs, you know, crime, regeneration, that sort of thing, sort of to toughen them up a bit. They can run around doing everything and putting themselves in the front line and I can claim the credit. After all, these are mostly my areas of interest.
RB: I think they might be a bit out of their depth there actually.
LA: Yeah. That’s what a lot of other people say to me, but I don't give a monkey's. The Kurds can take on some of the rough stuff, as well. Nobody will mess with them or it'll be kneecaps time.
RB: What about Guy?
LA: Well I am assuming that you will want to have him in the cabinet where you can keep a close eye on him. We'll give him the Olympics. Mind you, from what I've heard you need to get the key to the cabinet off him and keep it somewhere safe. Otherwise we'll end up with the bill spiralling out of control and whacking great charges being levied on our Council Tax before we know anything about it.
RB: My feeling is he’ll probably want to take on community regeneration as well.
LA: God help us. He'll probably fall into Clapton Pond.
RB: Or Alan will push him in. What about Alan, I mean I don’t know what you feel about him. Cos I think Jules wants to put him in charge of equalities. And Sally’s not going to like that because she's really got her eye on the job.
LA: Mother Superior's not going to like that, and Quentin isn’t going to like that either. To be honest Jamie, although I don’t really have anything against Alan, I haven’t really felt he’s hacked it. I don’t know what you feel but I felt..?
RB: I felt OK about him... but then he's never returned the feeling. I think if I get the big job I'll put him in charge of Guy, and maybe in charge of Sharon as well if I get the chance.
LA: That'll be a laugh, then. Light a match and you'll be The Towering Inferno. Well, no, not exactly the towering inferno. More the miniature inferno.
RB: Oh get you! Don't start that crap with me, carrot top.
LA: Look, I can't stand here chatting all day, I've got a meeting of Australians Abroad to go to and after that Linda and I are off out for a steak and foie gras.
RB: Ok, ok, I’m going to have to go, if you want to call me I’ll be in North Queens Ferry tonight.
LA: Well, watch out for the north queens, then. If you want me you know where I am. Nice to talk to you Jamie.
RB: Ok, ok.


ignorant prole said...

Is "North Queens Ferry" slang, like "vinegar stroke"?

Luke Akehurst said...

How would I know? I'm just a straight, married guy with normal appetites. I've heard these people do things with spoons, but beyond that it's all a mystery to me.

Now "Old Queens" is something I know about. It's not Danny la Rue or Ian McKellen, but the miserable little street where my beloved Party is now based, having been forced to dispose of the former glorious Millbank HQ because of the media hounding us over a few loans.

obedient prole said...

I hope you are not insinuating that, because Jules is not a straight, married guy that our blessed leader doesn't have a normal sexual appetite.

Luke Akehurst said...

Nothing of the sort. I'm sure he's impregnated lots of nice people. I'm just saying that I'm not one of them.