I've Gone To The Dogs

Whoopie - I've got a great opportunity to snatch a safe seat, after the rebellion led by Walthamstow's 65-year-old MP Neil Gerrard against the Government's Offender Management Bill was defeated last week after 20 or so of those who threatened to rebel bottled out and voted for the government. It was hard work, believe me. You have no idea how much effort the whips put in to collate information on the sexual peccadilloes and financial misdemeanours of 20 MPs!

It's not all cut and dried, however, as I may still have to squeeze into a bodice and apply some lipstick and mascara to qualify under the women-only shortlist. But needs must.

My politics are just a teeny bit different from Neil's but I'm sure that won't be a problem with the CLP. Neil is a member of the Socialist Campaign Group, a former member of CND's national council and resigned from government in protest against Harriet Harman's cuts in single parent benefits a decade ago.

Neil voted:

• Unconvincingly for introducing a smoking ban.
• Both for and against introducing ID cards at different times.
• Quite strongly against introducing foundation hospitals.
• Moderately against introducing student top-up fees.
• Both for and against Labour's anti-terrorism laws.
• Very strongly against the Iraq war.
• Very strongly for the fox hunting ban.
• Very strongly for gay rights.

His proudest achievement in parliament since 2001 was "getting a private member's bill into law to stop the owners of guide dogs being refused transport in cabs for their dogs."

Clearly a right lame-o. I'll introduce a new flavour of Labour politics to his constituency, alright. Whoopie, here we go, here we go, here we go!