Fantasy Labour Cabinet

Yes, I know it's a fantasy that there will ever be another Labour Cabinet after next Wednesday's initial shocker, but let's all play along all the same. Here's my effort - apologies to everyone I've included:

Prime Minister:	Gordon Brown. No choice - we're stuck with him now, despite realising too late what a dreadful mistake we've made.
Deputy Prime Minister:	Alan Johnston. He'll be extremely popular when he's released and we can put his appointment down to a typo.
Chancellor:	Harriet Harman. She'll run the economy from Primark. She proved her prudency when she said: "Do we want to live in a society where some people struggle whilst others think nothing of spending £10,000 on a handbag?"
Home Secretary:	Charles Kennedy. A LibDem grandee, in line with Gordon's policy of inviting experienced people from outside the Party to serve in the Cabinet. A perfect choice to tackle Britain's most serious social problem - binge drinking and rowdiness on the streets.
Foreign Secretary:	Hazel Blears. She knows nothing about foreign affairs and cares even less, but she will squeak a lot of foreign leaders into submission. And there's the side benefit that she won't do an Angela Merkel and embarrass Britain by cavorting about on presidential palace steps in badly tailored suits in last year's colours, because neither she nor her handbag will be visible in group photos.
Educashun:	Alan Johnson. Well, having won the Deputy Leadership battle we've got to give him a job somewhere. Alan will be a perfect role model, reflecting the aspirations of inner city youth today. He left school at 15 without any qualifications and stacked shelves at Tesco before becoming a postman at 18.
Health:	Kenneth Clarke. I was sorely tempted to say "anyone but Hewitt", because everyone else in Britain does. She has been responsible for a boom in TV set retailing recently, due to the number of objects thrown at screens. Ken will be ideal - a Tory grandee who has proved to the nation that you can look like death and live for ever so long as you smoke good quality cigars and drink decent claret.
Transport:	David Cameron's chauffeur. Driving the Lexus GS450-H along behind Macaroon's bicycle was the sort of PR stunt that makes me truly proud to be British.
Trade & Industry:	Baroness Thatcher. A Tory grandee who can give Labour an instant 10 points on the popularity ratings without lifting a finger. She can be left alone to quietly get on with international arms trading, while closing down the rest of British industry.
Attorney General:	Charles Clutton. A lawyer who was struck off for lying about carcass disposal during the infamous BSE cattle-burning farrago (saves time striking him off later). A liar, cheat and risk to the public well-being. Clearly someone with all the characteristics expected of a Labour Attorney General.
Local Government:	Sir Julian Pipeshaft. With his slogan: "First Hackney - next the universe", the newly-knighted architect of East London's yuppie renaissance will spread the good news (and his face) everywhere.
Housing:	Michael Meacher. Consolation for his dismal showing in the competition with John McDonnell to see who would get the thumping from Brown. Ideally placed as he and his wife own a property portfolio large enough to make them Britain's 78th biggest town.
Chief Whip:	Tom Watson. I know from past experience as his flatmate how great he looks in shorts with a whip in his hand.
Environment:	Ron Davies. A lover of wide-open spaces who could add a personal moment of magic to many lives across the country. If not available, Tory grandee and former PM Edward Heath would make the perfect substitute.
Justice:	Alcee Hastings. Not well known here, despite his historical name. Co-chair of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, so ideal for getting Labour's image away from right-wing Republicans and realigned with right-wing Democrats. A former judge, tried for corruption and racketeering, impeached by the Senate and subsequently elected to the House of Representatives. The kind of balls we need in charge of a challenging Department.
Work & Pensions:	Ian Paisley. An outstretched arm to another non-Labour grandee. In recognition of his deal with Sinn Fein, which gave Tony the only real political triumph of his prime ministership. And, of course, because following the recent demise of Piara Khabra the Reverend is the Member of Parliament who has served longest as a pensioner.
Leader of the House:	William Hague. When things get really bad in the House and old dour-puss is struggling at the dispatch box, Wee Willie will be able to lighten the mood with a nice song-and-dance act and a few good (albeit second-hand) jokes.
Culture Media & Sport:	David Lammy. Bernie Grant's successor and one of the most loyal MPs in the Labour Group. A former chorister and current Minister of culture. Can even run a bit with a following wind. The perfect choice. Did I get that right, Phil?
N. Ireland/Scotland:	Ken Livingstone. Well, can you think of anyone you'd rather send to Scotland or Norther Ireland?
Leader of the Lords:	Nazir Ahmed. That should wake them up a bit, especially the Jewish ones. A martyr to the cause. (Neil Kinnock was pencilled in for this but subsequently dropped after his comments in Andrew Rawnsley's "Rise & Fall of TB").
International Development:	John Prescott. We can't afford to have him "in a rather happy demob stage" touching up the female back-benchers, so let's send Mr Creosote abroad to develop himself further with the help of regular free banquets. Another wafer-thin mint, Sir?
Defence:	Jon Cruddas. Well, come on, even a Presbyterian Prime Minister has to have a laugh now and again.
Chief Treasury Secretary:	Tessa Jowell. With Harriet at No. 11, we can invite Endemol to broadcast a reality TV series called "Big Sister", involving handbag fights, mud wrestling and celebrity shopping. This will greatly improve Party ratings amongst the C2/D/E voters.
Wales:	Chris Bryant. No contest. Rhondda's M.P., Hackney's man. My mate. My best friend in all the world. Underpants Man. Last in, but hopefully not first out.