LibDems

I was instinctively queasy about this when I first came up with our PR master plan to f**k the LibDems, but judging from The Guardian's follow-up report this morning, the plan seems to have worked well. If we've learnt one thing from our years of stirring up terrorism across the world, it's how to throw the yellow peril "a hand grenade to destabilise them".

Members of my fan club will recall that, after the failure of my cunning plan with Thicko, Pudding Man and Underpants Man last year to create a pre-emptive false split in the Party, I said "I'll get it right next time."

As a distraction, I suggested that Linda and I should "head off to Scotland where we can p**s off the ScotNats and SSPers and not be recognised in the SLP." But anyone who knows me would have little doubt as to who my real target would be.

Linda and I were rolling about in tears of laughter this morning, hardly able to eat our foie gras mini-wheaties. Demonstrating the value of her Grade C Geography GCSE, it was Linda's brilliant idea to suggest that Labour's latest initiative originated with a casual chat over the back garden fence. "Ming and Gordon Brown are neighbours in Fife", she wrote in our carefully leaked briefing. "They talk about all sorts of things."

We carefully timed the disclosure to come on the day the media was reporting our earlier destabilising story that Welsh Labour MPs were urging Rhodri Morgan to pick up the phone to the LibDems in order to prevent us being ousted by a three-way Plaid-Tory-Lib-Dem "rainbow" coalition. That really added to the credibility of our Gordon/Emperor Ming spoof - and The Guardian fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I must confess that I thought we might be caught out with my choice of candidates for "LibDem cabinet ministers", but after a couple of glasses of Bordeaux's finest I simply couldn't resist the jokes. When I came up with the idea of Paddy Pantsdown as a replacement for Caravan Woman I was rolling about p*****g myself. After all, we wouldn't want a Foreign Secretary to be getting involved in such issues as Palestine, Iraq or Afghanistan. Everyone knows that the key issue is the need to tackle the emerging economies and their impact on global warming - so what better way to frustrate Macaroon's green agenda than to appoint a Mandarin-speaking Indian!

I had to abandon my initial idea of suggesting Julia Neuberger for the Foreign Secretary post when Linda pointed out to me that it simply wouldn't be believed. But you can just imagine how I was rolling around on the carpet at the prospect of sending a LibDem woman rabbi to the Gaza Strip to negotiate with Hamas. But Linda was right - that would have been a step beyond suspension of disbelief. Then I remembered from my days as political adviser to Dobbo the Mule that Baroness Neuberger was a former Chair of Camden and Islington Community Health Services NHS Trust. Brilliant! Everyone and their dog is expecting Gordon to axe Hewitt before the door of No.10 is closed behind him, so what more believable story than Julia Neuberger for Health Secretary.


Despite the fact that we've obviously got quite enough talented Labour MPs to fill every position without co-opting our political enemies, the media seem to have completely fallen for my PR stunt and I'm loving it. There's not much chance of the finger being pointed at me this time, of course. As an outspoken and committed supporter of proportional representation, everyone assumes that I have no principled objection to coalition with the LibDems. What most people don't realise, of course, is that I would be prepared to count their numbers in order to obtain a working majority at the next election, but I'll turn bright green and self-detonate before I allow any of the b******s to share power.

The weakness of Campbell as a leader actually gives us a chance to give the LibDems the electoral kicking they deserve. My cunning plan is just one small part of that damned good kicking - not a change of policy from Gordon resulting in us sleeping with the enemy. I'm looking forward to a lot more tribalism under the new PM, not less!