The Report Of His Departure Is No Longer An Exaggeration

As those of my readers educated outside Hackney will have observed, my reaction on reading of the decision by Bob Marshall-Andrews to retire from parliament led me to bastardise the immortal words of Mark Twain, first uttered 110 years ago.

Although Bob was a maverick of the first order, voting against the Government on almost all of the perverse right-wing policies of a previous Prime Minister, he was very fond of the present incumbent and nominated Gordon in preference to his left-wing opponent John McDonnell.

He was also an alumnus of my alma mater (you didn't think they spoke Greek in Bristol, did you?). And, of course, he was widely loved by the public, if not by Labour loyalists. Bob made some memorable appearances on Channel 4's annual Political Awards shows and on the BBC's "Have I Got News For You". During one of these latter TV appearances he recounted the infamous "Jim Dowd" incident, in which alternative translations of the Italian word "faccio" ("fag" - as in public school, or "fag" - as in homosexual) caused a bout of fisticuffs eventually resolved by the intervention of my former double-bunk-partner, Thicko Watson.

Maybe next time they might get a decent Labour MP in Medway.

Someone with an unfailingly loyal approach to the leadership, a supporter of PFI, ID cards, foundation hospitals, top-up fees, the Iraq war, Trident replacement and the State of Israel.

You know where I'm going with this one, don't you? I know it's only a few hours since I promised never to stand for selection as a parliamentary candidate again, but we're talking here about my home county of Kent and...