No More Excuses!

According to an edict issued by the Mayor this week, there will be NO MORE EXCUSES! After all, we're not here to feather our own nests, we're here to help improve people's lives and solve their problems, not to make excuses for failures. Amongst the forbidden phrases that may no longer appear in any letter to Council Tax payers or statements put out by civil servants to The Hackney Groveller or other parts of the media are: "I don't know", "It's lunch time, call back later" and "There's no money in the budget for that". In a statement that reminded everyone of the recent dismissal of Legal Eagle Meauigghkk Gullivers-Travels and the self-decapitation of CEO Penny Thompson Love III, "the use of such expressions by administration officials while speaking to the head of the council will speed their departure." The Mayor said he was taking this bold action as he was tired of civil servants telling him that problems were impossible to solve, rather than offering practical solutions to the local residents.

Oh, hang on. Pheeeew! I've mis-read the briefing notes. This wasn't a statement from Julian Pipeshaft on his return from holidaying on the beaches of the Seychelles. I've confused our beloved Julian with another Mayor almost identical in appearance - a man with chisel features, piercing eyes and a steely determination. This was a statement from Alexander Kuzmin, mayor of Megion in western Siberia. Thank God for that. Everything back to normal, then.

Julian Pipeshaft, Mayor of Hackney, Siberia

Alexander Kuzmin, Mayor of Megion, London