They're All Destroying Our Labour Party

The Labour Party is being destroyed by traitors left, right and centre. Everywhere you look, they are at it. In fact I'd go so far as to say the world has gone mad. There are very few of us left now who have a sound, balanced and principled view of politics. No wonder Gordon Brown has pledged an additional £34 billion per year for mental health services. They're all mad out there.

The latest is perennial lunatic Polly Toynbee. President of the British Humanist Association, the despised Guardian journalist is notorious for telling outright lies such as that she has been a lifelong social democrat and Party member and a stalwart supporter of the New Labour project, referring to the present government as "the best government of my lifetime". During the 2005 General Election, with dissatisfaction high among traditional Labour voters, this woman pretended to oppose protest voting when she attacked former Hackney South MP Brian Sedgemore for calling on voters to "give Blair a bloody nose". She wrote several articles urging Guardian readers to vote Labour, even if they felt the need to do so "with a clothes peg over their nose".

Those of us with a more profound understanding of politics than the chavs who read Kelvin MacKenzie have long recognised that Toynbee is a sleeper. Planted into the Labour Party years ago by David Owen, this spy has laid dormant waiting for a moment such as this to launch her treacherous attack. Pretending to be some sort of socialist, Toynbee has laid into Gordon Brown this morning, accusing him in hysterical terms of "capitulation to the Tory agenda and refusal to make the case for equality".

Put a sock in it Polly. You have never been a true social democrat. As an SDP agent you tried to destroy Labour in the '80s from the right, then tried to destroy Tony Blair from the centre and now you are trying to destroy Gordon Brown from the left. It must be clear to everyone that, while the Labour Party has remained steadfast to its beliefs, you have scrabbled from pillar to post looking for any opportunity to destroy it. Perhaps you are psychologically incapable of loyalty. Perhaps you just write what you think Guardian readers want to hear. Or perhaps you are just clinically insane and need to be dealt with the same way we dealt with Walter Wolfgang. One large nurse holding each arm and helping you to the nearest clinic.

Which poor politician is going to be the next object of your fraudulent support, before being turned on in a journalistic gore-fest in the run-up to Halloween? Just stay away from my house, I warn you. I've put extra locks on the doors and windows and I'm not averse to wiring the letter-box to the mains if you try to put your ugly traitor's face into my castle. I've only got one real fireplace, but I'm going to phone Linda right now and ask her to light some mini-logs, just in case you try that old trick.

We - the sane members of the Labour Party - will resist crazies like you to the bitter end.

("Gore-fest". Geddit?)