Trounced Top Tory Teacher Timorously Totters To Tattie Town - Ta, Ta!

According to an informant inside the mottley rabble that passes for my local Conservative Party, Tory opposition group (make me laugh!) leader, former comprehensive schoolteacher, former GLA member, current LDA member and Springfield Ward Councillor Eric Ollerenshaw OBE will be tendering his resigning from Hackney politics today. My immediate thought on hearing the news was that famous quote: "How does one tell?" But on reflection I've realised that Eric and I have quite a lot in common.

I know that I've been criticised from time to time for being more interested in the world outside than in the pressing affairs of my local constituency, but here's a man who these days needs an A-Z map to find Hackney. He shares with me the strength of character to shoulder electoral defeat, as in the recent Eltham Portaloo battle. And, like me, he is always there to commiserate with colleagues when they, too, suffer ignominious electoral defeat. Eric has been accused of running a cosy election fraud deal with Labour in Hackney allowing him to keep his Hackney seats in exchange for turning a blind eye to Labour vote-rigging. But he has also been selected by Tory Head Office to play a major role in the election that never was as Conservative spokesman on Cities and Diversity. Collaborating traitor or trusted servant. Yer pays yer money and yer takes yer pick.

Oh, how a fortnight is a long time in politics. Only two weeks ago Uncle Eric was collecting his security pass for the Millbank Conservative Party War Room, where he would help spearhead the Tories' election campaign. Only feet away from the Great Etonian One, as shown below (click on the illustration for a full floor plan with notes):



And now, reduced to the ranks of mere mortals once again. So it's no surprise that this time Eric has given up all hope in London and decided to return to the land of his birth. The land of hotpot, Eccles cakes and Blackpool Tower. And the land, of course, of the parliamentary constituency of Lancaster & Fleetwood, which Eric will contest at the next General Election if he's still alive by then.

Before anyone thinks I'm being ageist and referring to his chronological longevity, as in the case of Ming The Merciless, let me assure you that it's a much more serious matter than that. For I can now exclusively reveal for the first time, that Eric has been a traitor not only to his Party but - far worse - to his gender and county. For Eric is a closet Tyke.

For during those lengthy periods when Eric was conspicuous in Hackney by his absence, he was in fact cross-dressing as his alter-ego Maggie Ollerenshaw, checking into the BBC studios and transforming himself into his on-screen persona Wavey Mavey (aka. Mavis), a middle aged housewife and customer of Arkwright's grocery stores.

It was the ultimate betrayal by a tough, masculine Lancastrian - transvestism in Yorkshire.

Also little known is that during latter episodes of Open All Hours, when Ronnie Barker was frequently unwell, Eric would often abandon his crinolines and his flirtations with David Jason, don the brown overalls and stand in for Arkwright himself. No wonder Granville was always so confused!

Not content with one series set in Yorkshire, Eric (dressed as Maggie) went on to play a role in several episodes of the 1988 series of First Of The Summer Wine, also set across the Pennine border.

So, I wish the electors of Lancaster & Fleetwood all the best with their new candidate. If a strange, sickly-looking chap sporting a large blue rosette knocks on your door and when you ask "Wossupwithi chuck?" replies "Ey up, laddie, a've been out on Ilkla Moor baht 'at an a'm feelin' reet queer, a've been peffin' and gippin' all night and a'm jiggered na", you'll know exactly why.