Apple Pie, Mea Non Cupla and Fruit Loops

My apologies for not having blogged since Wednesday, due to heavy commitments at work with pushy clients.

These bloody military people spend all year rushing around the planet killing everyone who coughs, protecting poppy plantations, stealing oil and generally making a nuisance of themselves - and they expect you to sit down and in just an hour or two spin stories about soldiers dressing up as Santa Claus to hand out free teddy bears called Muhammad to Iraqi schoolkids and getting free food parcel deliveries contracted out by Royal Mail and lost in the post.

I tell you, even someone with my PR genius can be pushed at times. Especially when dealing with clients whose own staff pensioners undermine the service by launching mini-coups against the Labour Government. And then, on top of that, I have to spin nice stories about Israeli war criminals Cabinet Ministers being threatened with arrest when speaking on security at King's College. And to top it all, we had the sorry sight of Councillor Nargis Khan on the TV last night apologising for the Hackney Council Turkish language recycling leaflets with "Git!" ("Go Home!") written on the front. It's not been my best week.

There have been a few stories I would have like to have covered if I'd had time, but I didn't, so I'll just round them up now. In any case, I expect my spoofster will have written some crap about some or all of these issues, so at least you'll have had a good laugh, if not the benefit of some intelligent debate.

First off there's been that debate involving everyone who I disagree with in the Party (which is most people) and all those who disagree with me (just about everyone). Peter Kenyon, Jon Cruddas and Jon Trickett want us to trash the golden achievements of the Blair years while we're still popular and riding high in the polls and embrace equality and democracy in the Party. I should cocoa. It's all motherhood, apple pie and hot chocolate. Boll***s to democracy, referendums, elections and all that. We didn't need them under Tony and we certainly don't need them under Gordon.

Then there's the unsightly spectacle of everyone running round screaming "mea culpa" over Donorgate. I've had quite enough bleating sheep owning up to their guilt on my blog.

We're the Party of lawyers, for Chrissake. There's enough lawyers in the Labour Party to make a sound case for legality. And even if we can't make a case that any normal, sane human being would believe - there's always Jack Straw, Patricia Scotland and Ken Macdonald to make sure that we come out smelling of roses.

There have been a couple of topics that I've touched on before but, even on a bad day, wouldn't have covered this week. I wouldn't have wasted time writing about Boris "Lord Snooty" Johnson and I sure as heck wouldn't have reported the awful by-election results this week in which Labour got a thumping.

That just leaves my old friends - the fruit loops. You know me by now - any sign of political panic and I resort to writing about Trotskyites, Communists and assorted loony lefties in the Labour Party. I can rabbit on about these guys all day and completely forget about the terrible mess we've got the Labour Party into. She wasn't all wrong, you know. When Maggie talked about "the enemy within", she knew what she was talking about. We stir it up against fringe groups and minorities, taking all the blame off our own shoulders and heap it onto scapegoats. Then we let the mob destroy them, while gradually consolidating our power base until it's unassailable. That way we won't just rule for four years, or ten years... but for a thousand glorious years!

Oh, I nearly forgot. We gave the BNP a good beating in Princes End Ward, Sandwell. Good job too. We don't want to see the rise of fascism here. And we don't need any help to save the Labour Party.