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Friday, December 21, 2007

By-Election Disaster

Whichever way I look at it, last night's by-election results in Springfield Ward were a disaster. As the Labour election agent for the ward, I've tried everything in an effort to put a good spin on things. I've played with the turnout figures and eliminating the votes of the candidate who didn't stand last time in an attempt to make the results seem as if Labour increased its share of the vote... but anybody with GCSE maths can see through that one. I've tried to explain it as an idiosyncratic result due to the presence of Stamford Hill's Hasidic Jewish community all voting Conservative, which is clearly a requirement of their faith. I pay no attention at all to the trouble-makers who spread the ridiculous lie that they used to vote Labour in the days before we pissed them off. I mean, how absurd is that? That would mean that there must have been a time before New Labour when every ward in Hackney voted Labour. Obviously utter rubbish!

Springfield Ward Hackney, % Change on 2006 Local Elections

No - the real reason for the increased Tory vote is that the Hasidic Jews breed too much. Obviously I can't say that in public, so I'll skirt round the issue by saying that "the electorate has increased" and by describing the result as a referendum on the Council's "attempts to tighten up the rules on planning permission for residential extensions". I don't know whether I'll get away with describing our craven crawling behind the LibDems, followed by the total U-turn when our proposals were challenged as illegal and we were threatened with court action as "attempts to tighten up the rules". But I'll give it a go. Maybe some people will believe it. On the other hand, maybe Milton Keynes wouldn't have been such a bad idea after all.

Anyway, it's the season of goodwill to all, so I'll congratulate Michael Levy (I'm sure I've heard that name somewhere before!?!?!) all of my other opponents in the election - Christian, Communist and Green. Except the LibDems, who can rot in hell. To everyone else, Happy Winterval!

Promoted, printed, published and invented by Luke Akehurst of Flat 1, 8 Beatty Road, London, N16 8EB on behalf of everyone who consistently loses elections.


Anonymous said...

Why is Labour pink on your graph?

Luke Akehurst said...

To distinguish it from the Communist Party, which is red. Our rosettes are red and yellow, but as I can't stand yellow I use the alternative, pink rose colour.

Antonia Fitzwalter said...

I bet fundraising improves in Springfield with someone of that name shaking the plastic box.

lord london fields lido said...

Have they yet announced the winner of the "Max Caller Golden Postal Vote" prize for the most postal votes handled this year? (former winners - Zev Lieberman, Isaac Liebowitz, prize - a free swim at Clissold Leisure Centre)

Incidentally, will you really be fielding Munaf "could lose us Kings Park" Zeena a third time?

Anonymous said...

The Christians are purple which is the colour for Advent the season of waiting. They are still waiting.

lord london fields lido said...

Could you be a little more specific please, anonymous? What exactly are they waiting for? Godot? Messiach? Or a by election victory?

Anonymous said...

More than 100 votes would be a start.