The Splurge Is Working

I had noticed a lack of news from Illinois in recent months. Tucked away on page 194 of today's Beano we discover why.

Back in March 2003, Fat Uncle Sam raided Dandy Saddam's warehouse in a search for Dandy's deadly weapons of mass destruction - "splurge guns". Fat Uncle Sam's various business interests had been systematically raided by Dandy Dan's gangsters, who with their superior firepower easily eliminated Fat Uncle Sam's troops and the locally recruited militia. Since the seizure of the weapons (a terrific success about which The Guardian and The Independent have remained strangely silent), the war on the streets has been dramatically reversed. The "splurge" is actually working. Much derided by weak-minded store-owners and corrupt police officials, it turns out that there actually was a military solution to the terrorism and mob violence in Chicago.

As can be seen from the video clip, equipping the forces of law and order with the new weapons in order to balance those of the opposition mob terrorists has been an unparalleled success. The new strategy of "big mutually assured custard" (or "Big Mac") has led everyone to set aside past enmities and join together in a wonderland of singing, dancing and rejoicing. I'm sure this will continue after Fat Uncle Sam withdraws his mobsters back to their Chicago HQ and leaves the locals to go about their happy lives in peace.

These changes are "irreversible". Now why isn't this cautious good news being reported more prominently? Could it be because it contradicts the doom-laden narrative that is received wisdom? Why the prohibition of good news?