Sixteen Questions For Boris

Boris Johnson was "interviewed" earlier this evening on the BBC regional London News in yet another scripted, superficial and ineffective piece of "journalism" by Riz Latif. It was a strange piece of deja vu. Only two months ago Boris gave another "interview" with Latif. The BBC's November Tory party political broadcast differed from tonight's effort only inasmuch as Boris flapped slightly less last time and seemed to understand one or two more of the simple, planted questions than he did this time. To make you laugh even more, the third clip is of Boris licking the arses of London cabbies with his novel proposals to allow them to go places they already go. Shhh! Don't tell Boris. More importantly, it ends with the killer question - "Have you ever heard of London?"

I'd love to interview Boris. I'm sure I could do a better job than that BBC bimbo. Here are the sixteen questions I'd ask the leader of the Buffoon Party. Watch out for my Jeremy Paxman bit at the end. As there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of my interview ever going ahead, I've provided the answers alongside the questions below.

Question		Answer
Have you done anything about your appearance to make you look a bit less like a 13yo schoolboy who was just debagged in the loos at Eton?		No.
What's happened to the £6m that's disappeared from the Metropolitan Police American Express accounts?		Don't look at me. Do you think I'd be sitting here if I got my hands on 6m quid?
Have you received a postcard from Ken Livingstone in India?		No, I jolly well haven't and I want one. It's not fair. I never get postcards from India. I just get death threats after I make racist comments about the little brown chappies.
What would you do to make the congestion zone work better?		For a start I'd scrap the Western Extension. Once people have paid to get in there, they flood into the rest of London. If we made it free to get into West London, less people would visit Central London. I think. Or something like that.
How would you make the congestion scheme fairer?		By having a scheme that doesn't penalise people who just nip in and out of central London quickly. Chaps visiting their broker, or popping in for a quick pizza and a massage. It's jolly unfair that a chap just nipping down for lunch at The Ivy should pay the same as a bloke going into town to work all day and clogging the place up.
So what exactly are your plans? There are only 100 days left until the election.		You'll have to wait a bit longer for actual plans. Probably after the election would be the best time for me to publish details.
What are you going to do about the very expensive bendy buses?		As a bus enthusiast, I'm going to save a fortune by replacing the entire fleet with a completely different type of bus that I've been involved in designing that will only cost £400m. It's like the sales. There's 10% off everything, so the more you buy, the more money you save. It's obvious.
What are you going to do about crime in London?		Gosh, something needs to be done. When I was a kid 30 years ago I didn't see much trouble on the streets. Mind you, I was at the European School in Brussels, then at Ashdown House in East Sussex and then at Eton. So it's hardly surprising, is it?
And what about violence on London's buses?		I'll introduce CCTV cameras onto the buses so the police can see what's going on.
But don't the buses already have CCTV?		Golly. Do they? It must have been a bit of a while since I was on a London bus. Do they still have nice friendly Jamaican clippies who say "Dere ya goes love" when they punch your ticket?
So how will your anti-crime policies be judged?		By the level of crime falling. But I don't want all those stupid statistics. They just confuse people. I'll re-criminalise lots of things that are now accepted and introduce lots of new laws.
But won't that make the crime figures rise?		Oh gosh. I hadn't thought of that. Erm. I want to de-criminalise lots of petty offences that take up too much police time and reduce the number of laws.
How many high-paid officials are there at TfL?		Absolutely loads. It's either 112 or 232. Or maybe it's 232,112. I say, Victoria, how many are there?
How many times on the floor of the House of Commons have you ever asked a question about London or made a speech about London in the six years before you decided to run?		I think Rafa Benitez should stay on and turn the team around...
How many times on the floor of the House of Commons have you ever asked a question about London or made a speech about London in the six years before you decided to run?		They're making jolly nice wine in Sussex these days what with all the global warming...
How many times on the floor of the House of Commons have you ever asked a question about London or made a speech about London in the six years before you decided to run?		Er. I used the word "London" once.