Al Qaeda Calls For A Fatwah Against Me

Regular readers will know that I've been subject to a creepy internet hate campaign for the past eighteen years - since shortly after I started what has turned into The Labour Party's most popular and successful blog. For most of that time I've been able to laugh it off. After all, I'm pretty tough. And in any case, the spoof blog brought me loads of extra traffic which, to be honest, I didn't always deserve. Writing about Mikhail Gorbachev, Dave Osler and the Labour Party of Turkmenistan wasn't exactly going to get the readers flooding in.

But this week I have a horror story to tell - and it's important that I make it public, no matter how scared I might be to speak about it. That's why I called a press conference a week ago to announce that the man now acknowledged to have been the spoof blogger - international terrorist leader Osama Bin Harman - has called for a fatwah to be launched against me. Unfortunately, only The Hockney Pisspost turned up as everyone else was, for some inexplicable reason, focused on Sir Fred Goodwin's pension instead. But I was able to explain to The Pisspost in gory detail how I've feared for my family's safety ever since an image of my house marked out as a rifle target was posted by Osama Bin Nellist on his blog. As several readers have written to me reporting that they were totally unable to detect any trace of such a picture, I thought I'd better reproduce it here so that everyone can judge for themselves the extent to which my campaign of self-publicity this terrorist blogger has got out of control.

Things weren't so bad in the early days, when a lot of people were following the spoof blog and talking about it, and to be honest it was 90 per cent funny. It was written in an entertaining style, although I did find it unfair when councillors, who had deliberately not put themselves into the spotlight for any reason except their support for deceased paedophiles, were mentioned. I knew something serious was up when Osama Bin Hatton failed to update the site for some time. I now know that this was because I came very close to being able to reveal the secret blogger's identity as Osama Bin Healy. We saw someone in a hot air balloon taking photographs of our house through what appeared to be a telescopic sight, and months later I've been able to publish the photo.

So, where do I go now? Well, I may have to duck out of sight for a bit until they've caught Osama Bin Taafe, but I'm certainly not going to run away in the face of terrorist threats. Osama Bin Grant doesn't scare me. I'm planning to write a book about my fellow Councillor Charlize Patrick entitled "The Enchantress of Hackney" and you never know where that might lead. Sir Ahmed Luke Akehurst has quite a nice ring to it.