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Monday, June 26, 2006

Was It Something I Ate?

God I love publicity. I could eat it, drink it, snort it and shag it. Publicity drives me in the morning, during the day and in the evening. I even dream about publicity when I'm asleep and sometimes when I nod off during boring client presentations at Weber Shandwick. And of all the types of publicity - the best is self-publicity!

However, even I draw the line when it comes to the very un-funny people behind the spoof internet weblog. Judging from the turgid, rambling style and content of the website, I reckon it's the lot behind this other website. These are a bunch of subversives who think that half of Hackney should be used as open spaces for lazy unemployed people to lie around in on sunny days and for kids on ASBOs to terrorise senior citizens in at night.

Judge for yourself what kind of people these are from their website, which describes hard-working Hackney councillors like Linda and myself as "social misfits, pragmatic nest-featherers, dogmatic lickspittles, political adventurers, opinionated gits and well-meaning fools."

The old-fashioned sort of park that we will get rid of
Old-fashioned Hackney park
These people wanted Hackney to slide back into hung council chaos in the 4 May elections to stop us implementing plans for paving over "parks". They want to live in some nostalgic bygone age when councillors debated amongst themselves at meetings and "parks" were full of grass and trees.

Look dummies - are you stupid, or what? The work is "park". That should ring a bell or two, even in your pathetic little pea-brains. These "parks" should be areas for people to park! That's why our Labour Council will start paving over Hackney Marshes soon to turn it into the world's largest car park in time for the Olympic Games.

We need to promote everything that's best about Hackney and its friends across the pond and that's why I've invited Northrop Grumman to install a recruitment centre with an exhibition of tanks and helicopters adjacent to the new car park entrance.

This will give some of Hackney's unemployed people and ASBO kids a fantastic opportunity to change their lives and become useful members of society.
How parks will look under my mordernisation programme
New-style Hackney park

In the meantime, I must make sure that I keep up with the latest trends in publicity. I hear this morning that Becks has been stealing the show again, this time with a display of vomiting during the Ecuador match. Linda - where's Augustus? Can you just get him to throw up a bit while I adjust the camera....


Anonymous said...

Oooh it's like 1794 all over again, only this time the sans culottes will triumph. Probably. Possibly. If we've not all slit our wrists in despair.

Keep up the invaluable work; they may deny it but I firmly believe you're the fly in their ointment.

victoria park said...

I'm all for progress and for exploiting business opportunities when they arise, so I don't mind you paving over Hackney Marshes... but turning me into a giant tented campsite for the duration of the Olympic Games (see this week's "Hackney Groveller")is going one step too far!

Especially when the same edition of the "Groveller" is reporting that Hackney has become a hotspot for the deadly bacterial disease tuberculosis over the past few years. I could get ill and die!