Leader And Right Winger Resign After Causing National Misery

Both Sven-Goran Eriksson and David Beckham have stepped down today following England’s tragic quarter-final defeat by Portugal yesterday. Admitting that his right-wing focus had led to defeat and national misery, Sven admitted: “I concentrated too much on David and Gary, leaving Joe and Ashley to flounder on the left, isolated from any progressive forward movements.” I’ve never hidden my views that having a non-English leader in charge of England could only lead to disaster, especially someone bringing the narrow-minded Calvinistic views of those from extreme northern Europe. It is also clear that Sven’s policy of having a single over-publicised, god-like figurehead at the front can only lead to absurd delusions of grandeur and acts of mindless violence resulting in dismissal. It’s clearly time to end the cult of the individual and restore collective decision-making to England’s game.

Steve McLaren