NEC Elections

After a long, hard thought and much discussion with posters to my weblog, I have decided to stand for the NEC, as an intermediate step between my local CLP and parliament, the cabinet and eventual leadership of our great party and country. It has become clear from the many misleading quotes about me (including some of my own) that I need to re-state my political position. My candidature provides an opportunity to publish the following manifesto.

I support:

The Labour Party... or at least the Labour First organisation which is the successor to the Labour Solidarity Campaign in which I actively supported the Kinnock/Hattersley campaign even though I was a huge fan of Kinnock and was never keen on Hattersley and despite the fact that I was 9 years old when LSC was formed and only 16 when it was disbanded and was therefore a politically precocious child (some nasty people claim that I still am).

Tony Blair... and also his excellent and sound successor Gordon Brown who fought tooth and nail to get Blairites selected as candidates unlike Party HQ (despite me working there) and who will bring sense and moderation to the Party (along with his cabinet full of traditional Labour rightwing Atlanticists), especially as many left-wingers will vote for him and the fact that I have never been a Brownite or a Brown-nose, despite abusive anonymous posters accusing me of being one.

Trades unions... which are the ballast keeping Labour connected to millions of ordinary working people and keeping me financially attached to my seat on Hackney Council and whose policy of "one out, all out" for official strikes I have always supported, despite it being not quite in line with Tony’s "fairness not favours" policy and the fact that because of union solidarity in support of sitting members we can’t get rid of that schmoozy Abbott or that damned woman in Vauxhall who runs the Countryside Alliance.

ALMOs... which I see as a left-wing, progressive, socialist/co-operative idea under which capital ownership and financial management can be maintained by my Council while day-to-day management is kept at a distant arms-length well away from direct political control and which in no way contradicts my being totally opposed to what Compass and their like refer to as "left-wing, progressive ideas" and my being strongly opposed to organisational models featuring "boards" and "partnerships" which seem designed to remove party politics and accountability from the process.

The UK... which has a lot to be proud of and which we should be proud to support as a great place to live and work and where we should get government buildings to fly the Union Jack all year round even though the Union Flag is only referred to as the Union Jack when attached to ships of the Royal Navy and I’m not really in support of shoving Whitehall into the English Channel to invade mainland Europe especially as I am a die-hard europhile although I could think about it if Brown gets in and goes back to his old ways.

The Labour Campaign for Electoral Reform... with its many member friends of mine including my ex-boss Glenda Jackson, former Chair of CND Joan Ruddock, the lovely Austin Mitchell who teasingly refers to himself as a "dangerous revolutionary" who "started out on the right of the Labour Party but in recent years it has moved so far right behind him that he is now the extreme left" and not to forget the late, great Robin Cook... with all of whom I’ve spent many a happy hour discussing the case for an electoral system where every vote has an equal value and every voter the same power to choose the representatives in councils and parliament that they want and voters have the right to recall their soviet delegates...

The USA... for obvious reasons apart from today being the Fourth of July, not least of which is the great Governor Bush in honour of whose wonderful contribution to his brother’s election I named my own son (and yes, I know it’s really Jeb and Jed is just a little jokey reference to the oil entrepreneur Clampett) and whom I wish a speedy recovery from his family problems with drugs and alcohol and God Save America where I want to retire one day to play golf and spend my hard-earned millions.

NATO, nuclear deterrence and the liberation of Iraq... because without the cash I currently earn through the promotion of military suppliers Northrop Grumman, GKN Westland, Textron and others I would not be able to retire to America and play golf.

The State of Israel... no, on the other hand let’s not go there because I don’t want to upset my Muslim voters or my Hasidic Jewish voters or my anti-war voters or the Hackney Socialist Zionists or... and in any case I obviously don’t support every action they take because that would conflict with many of my other beliefs and...

Australia and the Australian Labour Party... because the way things are going I think I might just up-hockey-sticks and move there to get away from the whingeing chavs and loonies of Hackney and to live life to the full in a land of opportunity where they know how to win at sport instead of that crap about it being the taking part that counts.

Sweden and its Social Democratic Party... because the right of the party is usually in power, there has never been a leadership challenge against a party leader in the party’s history, it is almost unheard of for SDP members to criticise the party leadership in public and SDP leaders are allowed to choose the timing of their own departure, so if we follow this example Tony will continue the good fight for at least another 14 years and become the first PM to serve for seven consecutive terms.

ASBOs and the police... because that’s what the voters of Hackney wanted to hear and we need to do something tough to stop a slide into anarchy and civil war and although I wouldn’t want anyone to think of me as an opportunist populist it’s very important that we listen to the views of local residents and reflect these in our policies by supporting the police even though that dotty old bat we gave a good thumping to in the mayoral election is Chair of the Hackney Police Consultative Group.

Directly Elected Mayors... such as the truly admirable, amazing, astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring, awesome, brilliant, dynamic, excellent, extraordinary, fabulous, fantastic, incredible, inspirational, magnificent, marvellous, miraculous, outstanding, phenomenal, remarkable, sensational, stupendous, superb, terrific, tremendous, wondrous Jules Pipe and anyone who replaces him when he resigns.
















Having clarified my ideas in this manifesto, I thought I would have another go at The Political Compass™ and the chart on the left shows the results.

I think this finally gives the lie to the accusation that I am a right-wing opportunist and shows that, on the contrary, I am a genuine all-rounder.