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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I Apologise To All Muslims

Just let me at the terrorists
Me starring as The Chief Whip in the Hackney Players' production of "Bravefart"
Following the recent unfortunate incident which has been the subject of a great deal of hurtful publicity, I would like to make clear that I am not a bigot and apologise to everyone in the Muslim community for the vitriolic and harmful words I uttered when arrested recently whilst driving through Gravesend.

Hatred of any kind goes completely against my political beliefs, but I had been whipped into an uncontrollable frenzy by unbalanced anti-Israeli reporting on Channel 4 News.

When arrested I declared that "Muslims are responsible for all the wars in the world," and asked the arresting officer, "Are you a Muslim?" This is not the first time I have faced accusations of anti-Islamism. I once wrote on my blogsite: "Branch-stacking and meeting packing antics... have now been shifted to Respect where they are being used by the Muslim faction...".
I also wrote in praise of Bush and Blair’s foreign policy: "Thankfully we have leaders in the UK and USA who are... standing firm behind Israel. If the IDF do destroy Hezbollah they will have struck a blow for the whole democratic world, not just Israel. I'm content for that to be done "in my name"." I once described Israel as "a democracy... against a terrorist organisation backed by neighbouring fascist states." More recently I upset Councillor Shuja Shaikh when in an unforgivable outburst I falsely accusing him of using strong anti-police language.

I now recognise that my comments with regard to the Middle East have been totally unbalanced and that referring to Syria, Lebanon, Egypt and Jordan as “fascist” was deeply upsetting to millions of peace-loving Muslims throughout the world as well as being an insult to all victims of the holocaust. I am deeply ashamed of my comments the other night and I would like to visit Mecca soon in order to atone and to begin a "path for healing." In the meantime I have checked myself into a political rehab clinic in North Kent.

My press statement in full

"After watching pictures of the Lebanon conflict on Channel 4 News, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car through Gravesend when I should not have and was stopped by the Kent constabulary. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said and I apologise to anyone who I have offended. Also, I take this opportunity to apologise to the constables involved for my belligerent behaviour. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behaviour and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled the disease of right-wing Labour politics for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologise for any behaviour unbecoming of me in my angry state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to political sanity."


The Grand Mufti said...

Apology accepted! I thought we were going to have to behead you, but now that I can see you are submitting to our will, we will accept your (unforced) conversion to Islam.

Luke Akehurst said...

Bollocks. I'm not converting to Islam. Look what happened to the last important person who thought about conversion. Half a million flowers and a concrete moat in Regents Park - it's not worth it mate.