My Problems Solved By Tony And The Pope

Virgin birth - "a big idea"

I wake up this morning to the great news that both of my problems have been solved. Last night I was desperately seeking a solution to the Labour Party's crippling debt and also looking for "the big idea" that would ensure victory at the next elections. Although I was brought up as an atheist, went to a Methodist school and originate from a Quaker family, I was deeply impressed by Tony's masterstroke in appointing Papal Envoy Ruth Kelly as Minister For John Prescott's Former Responsibilities. With today's announcement by the Vatical Emissary of the formal launch of The Commission On Integration and Cohesion, I am ready to convert. This is "the big idea" and I must find a way to steal it and present it as my own work. At the core of the idea is telling British Muslims do more to integrate into mainstream society, in a bid to ease racial and religious tensions in the wake of last year's terror campaign and recent arrests.

"We have all got to raise our game," Ms. Kelly said last night. "Muslim leaders have got to play their part in a more comprehensive fashion than has happened up to now. Their mosques have got to become more accessible to young people." In a brilliant twist designed to ensure that the message is heard and accepted by alienated Islamic youth, she has appointed a Sikh as Chair of the Commission and last night was reported to have declared "I'm looking for a rabbi to join the team".

I'm sure the whingeing anarchists, Tories, LibDems and tree-huggers will question why a member of Opus Dei - known for its neo-fascist ideology, fundamentalist intolerance towards other religions, dishonesty, elitism and manipulative control-freakery - would make a good choice for promoting community cohesion. I say - if these traits are good enough for NuLabour, they're good enough for the country!

I shall be inviting Ruth to launch the new Commission from a super new cardboard prefabricated campaign centre and luxury apartments complex to be erected at the end of Ridley Road by masterbuilders SixtyK Consortium, in partnership with Hackney Homes. I don't expect any problems from the Open Dalston anarchists and their tree-hugging friends after Ruth showed her toughness last week in giving the go-ahead to the huge Barrett Homes complex in Rotherhithe despite Tower Hamlets Council and the Planning Inspectorate having turned it down.

This is where the stroke of genius comes in. We fill the new centre with NuLabour volunteers, singing nuns and children found wandering the streets looking for a Hackney school to attend... and then we send everyone out into the streets to collect money for The Party. Voila! Two stones killed by one bird! (Sorry about the sexist joke, Linda, I just couldn't resist).

It's the best idea I've had in years. I'm sure we will be able to raise £27m in next to no time, especially when we point out that anyone refusing to donate may be struck down by God and be found hanging underneath Blackfriars Bridge.