Luke Akehurst's Blog: Snakes In A Town Hall

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Snakes In A Town Hall

Coming to a cinema near you soon...

Hackney Council brings you the thrill of the century

It's the thrilling film of the year that will have you hiding under the cinema seats in sheer terror! A Puerto Rican gangsta rap gospel choir has nowhere to stay, after performing a gig at the Anschutz-Pipe Ocean Casino, so they decide to sneak into the municipal building opposite to bed down for the night. As they don their pyjamas and brush their teeth, the terrible truth reveals itself. A late night Council Meeting is being held in the main chamber next door and there's no escape. If the rappers are to survive they must face the horrors of... snakes in a town hall!

"I was so terrified, I wet myself" - Samuel L. Jackson
"I hope we're getting a late hours expenses supplement" - Samantha

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Ha he ha he, very funny. I liking your blog posting very muchly. Where in hellie is der place Hockney? I am never hearing off it.

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45 Minutes To Save The World

About me

I'm Luke Akehurst..... aka. "Luke The Nuke".
Labour Party mouthpiece since 1988 - firmly on the ultra-right wing of the party, but with occasional, completely unexplained lapses of left-wing insanity.

National Secretary of The Barneys Club (Gentlemen's Fine Dining Society, University of Bristol), 1995-6.

Unsuccessful parliamentary candidate for Aldershot (2001) and even more spectacularly unsuccessful candidate for Castle Point (2005). Hackney Councillor (occasional visitor to the peasants in Chatham Ward) and Labour Chief Whip (in charge of the vegetables) since 2002.

Supporter of European holidays, NATO "shock and awe" big fireworks, Israel my Israel, electoral reform as long as The Great Leader keeps getting elected. Guardian reader because they are so desperate for material that they print my letters.

Dad to Jed Augustus George Akehurst (7th October 2005). Stoke Newington resident, recently moved from crappy flat in nice area opposite cemetery to slightly less crappy flat in a noisy shopping area. Amicus union member because they recruit people like me who never did a real day's work in their lives.

Employment history as a Labour Party Organiser for Dobbo the Mule and Glenda Slagg, Local Government Political Assistant to England's worst performing local authority, Public Affairs consultant to The Juggernaut (specialising in advising $multi-billion Iraq war contract beneficiaries, government service outsourcers and property developers).

I'm a pretty great guy as all who know me will confirm (except for those cretinous old Labourites, awful Tories, useless LibDems, bourgeois Greens and everyone else except for Tony's New Labour Army!).

I like influencing outcomes by spreading the good word and smearing those who stand in the way. I'm especially fond of privatising useless old-fashioned industries held back by cloth-capped trade union stooges, liberating public services to the forces of the market and helping US arms manufacturers to look good while making massive profits in Iraq.

I've been trying to get into Parliament for a while without success, but things should improve now I've cut my links to Dobbo and Glenda and been noticed by Tony as one of the smart new "Millbank" set (shame we've become so poor we've had to move out of Millbank!).

I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to afford to move out of ghastly Hackney with its chavs, whingers and loonie lefties and live somewhere decent.

What else can I say about me? I'm a great guy! Did I already mention that? The rest will become evident from reading my blog.

Another bit about me

Unlike the majority of Hackney's oi polloi, I am descended from one of England's most respectable and gentile ancient families - the Akehursts of Sussex. We have our own coat of arms dating from long before the Norman Conquest and an extended family website where geriatric members of the family spend many a happy twilight hour silver surfing: http://www.akehursters.co.uk.

As the family website explains: "The family [worked] the land as farm labourers. This may account for a high percentage of descendants having some connection with Gardening, The Arts, The Sea, Agriculture and... Horse Racing." So as someone with no connection with any of these activities (apart from the odd flutter at Ladbrokes), I'm clearly the black sheep of the family! But it's not only in occupation that I deviate from my forebears. It's embarrassing to reveal that my ancestors were - and I can hardly say it without choking - pacifists!

The family first came to public attention in July 1675, when Mary Akehurst and others were reported to the local JP for attending a founding meeting of The Society of Quakers in Lewes, East Sussex. Quakers had been reported and fined earlier, but during the mid 1670s both legal and physical attacks upon them increased. In August 1675 local constables and militia officers broke up a meeting and the attendees were attacked and beaten by the local mob. A subsequent appearance before the justices led to heavy fines, settled mainly through seizure of goods and other property.

Eventually Mary Akehurst and her fellow Quakers appealed to Quarter Sessions and their case was upheld. Goods and money were returned to them and some of the informers who had laid charges against them fled the town of Lewes. By this time Mary had fallen out with co-defendant Ambrose Galloway, the Quakers having adopted a strong pacifist policy. This was totally at odds with the Galloway family armaments business, which involved the manufacture and export of weapons known as "Wealden cannon".

What became of Mary is not known, but clearly the family prospered. Today the family name still holds strong across the district of Wealden, with local streets, business and many local noteworthies bearing the name. Akehursts are involved with the local Arts Council, the Country Market, the Old Time Dancing Society, the Embroidery Group and many other bastions of respectable rural Sussex society. A recent proposal to redevelop the site of the former Hellingly Hospital in Hailsham recommends that new developments be named "Upper Akehurst" and "Lower Akehurst". Sounds like a jolly fine idea to me.

According to genealogy records, part of the Akehurst family moved from Sussex to Kent in the 19th century, the Kentish branch of the family being based around the Medway estuary in Sittingbourne, Faversham and Gravesend. And it is from the Gravesend branch of the family that, many generations later, the world was blessed with my presence.

There's nothing pacifist about me, you can be assured. I like to sound off on websites and in newspapers in support of Britain's nuclear deterrent and against disarmament. I cut my teeth as a parliamentary candidate in Aldershot, one of Britain's most military constituencies (though I'm a bit pee'd off that web encyclopedia Wikipedia incorrectly lists me as having stood as the Labour candidate in my Wealden family constituency).

Bugger pacifism. For my day job I'm an Associate Director of international PR corporation Weber Shandwick, known as "the juggernaut" and with corporate motto "we have the power to influence outcomes". I certainly like to do that, all right. Reporting to my old Millbank Labour Party spin doctor boss Colin, my defence sector clients include multi-billion dollar Iraq war contract beneficiaries Northrop Grumman, GKN Westland and Textron Systems. I also do local government work, but mostly for service outsourcers and property developers, including Shaftesbury, Stanhope and Unite.

Statue competition

Announcing the Sam Lloyd Town Hall Sq. Memorial Competition

It's really simple and you have every chance of winning a great prize! All you have to do is to nominate the man or woman you think would be most worthy to be commemorated with a granite statue located in Town Hall Square.

Rules:

1.	Your nominee must have been deceased for at least 10 years
2.	They must have made an outstanding contribution to the Borough
3.	Many current and former Hackney residents must have good cause to remember them

Send your nomination to: "The Sam Lloyd Town Hall Square Memorial Competition", 98 Trotter House, Barratt Lane, Hackney B4 ME

Closing date: 15th November, 2025

Luke Akehurst's Blog
Hug my tree and I can be
anyone you want me to be

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Snakes In A Town Hall

1 comment:

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The Criminal Justice Bill 2007

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Another bit about me

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Hackney MPs' Expenses

Luke Akehurst's BlogHug my tree and I can beanyone you want me to be

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Snakes In A Town Hall

1 comment:

Welcome to my blog

The Criminal Justice Bill 2007

Recent comments

Success!

45 Minutes To Save The World

Subscribe

Search my site

Sponsored by

Give us an orgasm

About me

Links

Previous posts

Technorati tags

Another bit about me

My family coat of arms

Statue competition

Personal views

Websites I hate!

My website hits

Hackney MPs' Expenses

Luke Akehurst's Blog
Hug my tree and I can be
anyone you want me to be