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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I Demand My Ten Quid Back

It may not be much, but ten quid is ten quidRegular readers will remember a day in September when Linda received a call that gave her the shock of her life. A friend phoned her to report that a man looking like me had reportedly been arrested by officers from the Metropolitan Police's Specialist Crime Directorate last night in connection with the "cash for peerages" scandal.

Of course it was all a case of mistaken identity. The arrested man was actually Sir Christopher Evans (aka. "The Biotech King"), multi-millionaire founder of Merlin Biosciences, a key supporter of GM crops and a close friend of Tony.

Tonight I've had photographers hanging around outside my new house trying to get pictures of me, or rather of Chris Evans, who they evidently think is me. Apparently his £1m loan to the Labour Party is due for repayment on Thursday and the Party hasn't got the money. Chris Evans, who reportedly was furious at being arrested over the affair, is insisting he wants his £1 million loan back in full in the next 48 hours, or he will consider legal action. Underpants Man has nothing to do with this story, but I just like his photo.

Not arrested  in connection with corruption allegations
Chris Evans, broadcaster
and producer - a
rich lender to Labour
Arrested for wearing 1970s underpants
Sir Chris Evans, GM
crop supremo - a super
rich lender to Labour
Gimme back my money, or I'll scream and cry
Chris Bryant, MP for
Rhondda - never lent
anyone any money

Things are looking a bit grim, and I'm not too pleased about the paparazzi, either. So I've decided that the best bet is for me to call in my loan to the Party. After all, remaining funds may be sequestrated and accounts frozen, and I've got a growing child and a new mortgage to worry about.

At least there's been one bright light in the fog of gloom tonight. The news just broke that the Tories owe £35.3m in loans to be repaid, whereas Labour only owes £23.4m. So maybe if Tony does find himself in the City of London Debtors Prison, he'll have Macaroon in the next door cell. PMQ every afternoon of the week. Whoopie!


Ethel Barracuda said...

Please publish a photo of that nice young man in his underpants. He's such a good figure of a boy and it's been a long time since my husband Fred stripped with the lights on.

zenden makalele iii said...

Who is the queen on your banknote? I recognise the last one, Elizabeth, but I'm not familiar with the rather pretty new one. Perhaps you could introduce us.

iLikeAkehurstFanClub said...

My dear Luke,

A troubled individual asked me to anonymously forward the following ditty for inclusion. I think it is obscene and utterly unsuitable for publication. I hope you concur. Our Great Leader is known for his potency but I'm sure it doesn't extend to inanimate objects!

Yours affectionately,


Julian Pipesqueak ain't no queen
He's the butchest top man I've ever seen
He'll hump ho, bro, cuz and wuz,
If it don't move; he'll hump it 'til it does.
Don't dis the man 'cos he's poxed and bald-lookin'
When it's sex or finance, he's the king at up-f****n'.

Luke Akehurst said...

Haven't you got anything better to do with your time than attack our Great Leader? If it wasn't for Julian, you wouldn't have half the things you have now. People like you would simply be left to sink or swim.

iLikeAkehurstFanClub said...

My dearest Luke,

"Haven't you got anything better to do with your time?" you ask.

Well, quite frankly, after having devoted hours to enrolling, then voting for you (repeatedly) in the poll - I must admit that I'm kicking my heels currently.

I hope you are happy with the result though:

Now the London Fields Lido is open I wonder if we could replace the well-worn phrase "People like you would simply be left to sink or swim" with a new Hackneyed version ... "People like you would simply be left to freeze and swim"?

Yours, most affectionately (and I'm not encamped outside your new house, honest)