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Saturday, February 10, 2007

Guy Nicholson Cleans Up!

I've long been an advocate of urban regeneration and tough action to create cleaner neighbourhoods. Regular readers will remember the case of the Jack Dunning Estate garages near to the former Lord Cecil pub at junction of Median Road and Lower Clapton Road in my ward. A horrible blot on the landscape that attracted fly-tipping, we sorted out the problem after a resident complained about the rubbish.

We've bulldozed those ugly blots on the landscape
"You're only supposed to blow the bloody rubbish away!"
...and after!

That'll teach the little toe rag to whinge and moan. In went our action team and removed the rubbish, the whinger's garage and those of six of his peasant neighbours, thereby killing two birds with one stone. We shut him up and created some really useful parking space in the process. One of my proudest initiatives as a local councillor.

But I was even more proud yesterday to see my fellow Chatham Ward Councillor, regeneration guru, Olympic Games sponsor and former teetotaler Guy 'Widmerpool" Nicholson receiving the great press and media publicity that his excellent work has so long deserved. Guy's team, armed with an array of powerful cleaning tools including "Absolut" creme, Stolichnaya scrub, Evolution stain remover, Smirnoff paint thinner and White Diamond stripper, have changed the face of Hackney. And they've been so successful that a number of youth offenders on ASBOs have been assigned to the clean-up team, equipped with WKD graffiti removal spray.

Following the team's excellent work cleaning up Gillett Square, they have been commissioned to undertake several other jobs including removal of such ugly graffiti as the Table of Babel, the Mare Street Alley Mural and the worst piece of clean brick wall desecration in the Borough - the Hackney Peace Mural.

Not such a well-known fact is that, in his spare time, Guy is a great connoisseur of fine art. Over the years he has built up quite a collection of masterpieces, the best of which are shortly to be exhibited in public for the first time, at Flowers East. Here's a sneak preview. Enjoy!

The Serious Cavalier
Frans Hals

The Deserted Place
Georges Seurat

Costco Value Soup
Andy Warhol

No Flowers
Vincent van Gogh

The Very Clear Night
Vincent van Gogh

The Disappearance of Venus
Sandro Boticelli


iLikeAkehurstFanClub said...

My dearest Luke,

Please don't forget why we brought Guy on board in the first place. His crowning glory was the design of the Broadway hit - Titanic.
Guy's crowning glory

OK, it wasn't exactly a hit, more of an off-Broadway flop really. But at least he gained some terrific experience and was thus well qualified to be able to cope with some of the turkeys we've got in Hackney. (Oops, turkeys is probably the wrong term to use now, isn't it?)

Do go lightly on the alcohol references please. Quite apart from the fact that Guy's consumption isn't necessarily the highest on the Council, he might well claim this is a disability and qualifies him to make a grab for Mulready's portfolio too!

Thanks for the crate of Nuits Ste Georges, by the way. It more than made up for calling me effluent the other day.

Yours affectionately,


P.S. Since you ask, it's Harrow, actually!

Luke Akehurst said...

Sorry, did I say effuent? Obviously I meant affuent. You know I can't spell.

Are you suggesting that my fellow Councillor's experience with sinking ships is a helpful basis on which to plan Hackney's contribution to the Olympic Games? Or that we will be inviting Bernard Matthews to participate in the regeneration of the Borough's slum estates (thus providing jobs as well as cleaning up the peasant neighbourhoods)?

I'm glad to report Guy's latest acquisition in the fine art department. Maybe this masterpiece of modern art by the devil's disciples of Shoreditch is the reason why Nargis has decided to head off up North.

Luke Akehurst said...

Please send the case of Nuits Ste Gilbert et Georges to Flat 1, 8 Beatty Road, London, N16 8EB.

Harrow? Harrow? Old Harrovian, or alumni of Harrow Road Secondary Modern?