Fat Cats Salary Fury

Readers of "The Hackney Groveller" were furious this morning after the revelation of "fat cat" salaries paid to executives of the newpaper, part of the Archant Group. The six-figure sums taken home by supposed "journalists" were released accidentally across the internet when server firewall software broke down and allowed payroll documents onto the web.

The information shows that "Groveller" Editor Ferris Bueller (87) earned a massive £247,839.04 last year, with Deputy Editor "Tiny" Tim True (109) close behind on £213,830.27. "We earn every penny of it... well, almost every penny", Bueller is reported to have said in response to questioning about the paper's extortionate 45p cover price last night. "By making sure that we keep Hackney's most beautiful baby faces on the pages of our paper - such characters as Julian Temple Pipeshaft, Diane Portillo and Madge Hillside - we give the public what they really want", said Bueller. "And the advertising from privatised council service providers, property developers and sex parlours health clubs generates levels of revenue for our investors that justify the salaries we are paid."

Senior Reporter Sherlock Holmes (12¾) was less happy, however, when I phoned him this morning to discuss last night's parliamentary vote on Trident and to thank the paper for relegating the unflattering piece about our relations with the French to page 22. "Yes, it's true", he admitted to me, "my salary is only £9,549.37, but I've been promised that this will be looked at when this year's salary review comes round. If I continue to work hard and The Caveman has an unfortunate accident, I can expect promotion to News Editor and could end up on as much as £12,500 p.a."

"I certainly deserve it", he continued, "after such coups de grâces as today's front page. That stretched my journalistic and investigative talents to their utmost. I had to read the piece on your website, copy all the word things and put them into something we journalists call 'a bylined article'. Then I had to find a new picture of a fat cat and that was really difficult, believe me. I wanted to use your photo, but the boss wouldn't let me. The trickiest bit of all was when I had to make a couple of phone calls for what we call 'attribution' and 'second sourcing'. That meant I had to speak to real live people - not something we are used to here at The Groveller".