More Press Bogeys - BBC Prepares For Something

In America they have ambulance chasers - people who literally follow emergency vehicles on their way to hospital in the hope of obtaining a referral fee from an accident compensation lawyer. Thankfully we're not quite so bad in this country, although I have noticed a disturbing tendency for us to follow Uncle Sam over the past decade.

In this country there are few things I find more distasteful that the advanced preparation of obituaries. They have to do it, I suppose, but I still cringe at the thought of having myself profiled just in case I step under a 73 bus tomorrow. What complete and utter lies will they make up about me, I wonder? "Provided Labour Party membership list to Dobson"? "Munched foie gras and swilled claret while Hackney pensioners starved"? "Was involved in local elections vote-rigging"? "Told Hackney Councillors to sober up"? Oh, the thought of it makes me shiver. I must keep a careful eye out for 73 buses.

So I was understandably wary when a political correspondent at the BBC wrote to me recently asking for my help in compiling "a profile of R*** T*****". The project was, she assured me, just for general background purposes - one of a number of film profiles being developed of "the players involved".

I had very little idea what was meant by "the players involved". Involved in what? And what players? I thought I'd better consult my lawyer Rich Richer, of Rich, Turner & Levy. Having received his legal advice, I now have even less idea who this person is, who the other players are or what they are involved in. In fact I've never heard of any of them, have never visited the House of Lords and wish to make clear that I am paid by bank transfer and never handle cash.