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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Our Plan To Deal With Rowdy Trouble-Makers

It may have been a bad week for Labour nationally, and for the Nutters for Blears Campaign in particular, but we've been making great progress back here in booming Hackney.

Luxury apartments with glorious views of the bagel shop from as little as £2.5mJulian launched another huge step forward this week in Labour's drive to clean up and modernise the Borough, with the announcement of new measures aimed at dealing with the illegal sub-letting of Hackney Homes property. Unfortunately, but not atypically, the story has been misreported by the Hackney Groveller whose reporters confused this story with this one, but we will set matters straight in the next issue of Hackney Grain Harvest Today.

An electric fence is to be installed around the luxury apartments in Stamford Hill in a bid to keep out vodka-swilling sub-tenants, after it was discovered that "yuppies" from outside the Borough had been acquiring the properties on a "cash for keys" basis and leasing them out to Polish building workers. Councillors were shocked to discover that flats in "The Upper Stoke Newington Executive Public Conveniences, Private Sauna And Gymnasium" development were being used as cheap lodgings by foreign workers who sleep there overnight as little as £120 per night.

With additional space on the roof for buy-to-let accommodationFollowing the granting of planning permission to CABE (Councillors Always Buggering the Environment) at an emergency meeting of the Planning Subcommittee last Wednesday, work has already commenced the addition of an extra 23 floors on top of the existing structure.

The proposed 132,000V electric fence surrounding the property will bring two major benefits to the development and to the future prosperity of Hackney. On the one hand it will keep out drunken undesirables looking for building site jobs and protesting against their families being driven out of the Borough by rising rents and house prices.

It will also act as a deterrent to dozens of wrinklies planning to organise demonstrations against the demolition of sheltered home Bayton Court in London Fields to make way for additional luxury apartments. These ugly and unnecessary people, who in the past have made Hackney such an eyesore, need to understand the reasons behind their planned relocation to The Outer Hebrides. Occupants of the luxury apartments scheduled to replace The Pub On The Park facing the rear of their sordid little dwellings have demanded a clear view of the grass, trees and cricket pitch uninterrupted by the sight of ugly old incontinent peasants. And we must listen to these important people. Unlike the wrinklies, most of them vote Labour.

And can you blame them? I mean, when it's time to go, it's time to go. Except, of course, for one person who springs immediately to mind. What a great speech he made today at PMQ. Blew Macaroon away!


JimBobby said...

Whooee! I jest stumbled in to yer fine an' funny boog from the colonies, LukeyBoy. Yer a caution, no two ways.

That little roundhouse with all the doors... izzat some sorta jail or a publick crapper or what?

Wrinklie eyesores! Tell me about it. I got one lookin' back at me outta the dang mirror.

'Round my neck o' the woods, we been influenced by you Hackney folks. We got politicians always usin' Hackneyed phrases an' we got Hackney ponies high-steppin' it at the county fair.

Maybe we'll start in buildin' some o' them little roundhouses with all the doors. If we can figger out what to do with 'em. We got these here safe injection sites fer smack addicts. Them little huts'd be just the ticket fer the needle an' Hep C crowd.

Canajun booger

ilikeakehurstfanclub said...

My dearest Luke,

I'm sure your little joke about CABE (Councillors Always Buggering the Environment) was made in the most innocent and non-malevolent manner. However, one does risk a visit from the offices of Sue, Grabbit and Run if such jokes are not cleared first. It is perfectly understandable why you didn't - i.e. we are rudderless but, until we get another lawyer on board, (and competition dictates that this is going to cost us an arm and a leg, I would respectfully suggest we play it softly softly for the moment.

So, just to clarify my point I checked with Princess Parker (who has had his hands full recently) and he confirms that CABE stands for Commissions Accepted in Brown Envelopes.

Yours affectionately,


Luke Akehurst said...

Oh Gosh! Did I say that? It must have just slipped out, as Linda is always saying to me. Of course when I refer to CABE, I mean Christ's Angels Bringing Elysium. I think George Hargreaves may be involved in it, but I'm not altogether sure.

Anonymous said...

John Thornton.

Luke Akehurst said...

You've lost me, anon. CABE is now run by a former cotton mill owner?

Anonymous said...

James Willsher.

Thompson "Spend a"Penny said...

Superb both stories made me laugh out loud. Long Live Pipey

Luke Akehurst said...

You've still lost me, anon. JW is a journalist on The Groveller, n'est-ce pas?

Claptonian said...

The London Fields electrical fence Reminds me of Ken Bates the former Chelsea chairman proposing an electric fence to keep hooligans from the Shed at Stamford Bridge off the pitch. Ken Livingstone then GLC F├╝hrer refused permission. I wonder if he'll do the same this time

Well done the Polish bog squatters. If your reading this may I recommend some simliar high class accomodation on Stanway Street off Hoxton Market. One night stay with own washbasin and toilet for a bargain 20p