Our Plan To Deal With Rowdy Trouble-Makers

It may have been a bad week for Labour nationally, and for the Nutters for Blears Campaign in particular, but we've been making great progress back here in booming Hackney.

Julian launched another huge step forward this week in Labour's drive to clean up and modernise the Borough, with the announcement of new measures aimed at dealing with the illegal sub-letting of Hackney Homes property. Unfortunately, but not atypically, the story has been misreported by the Hackney Groveller whose reporters confused this story with this one, but we will set matters straight in the next issue of Hackney Grain Harvest Today.

An electric fence is to be installed around the luxury apartments in Stamford Hill in a bid to keep out vodka-swilling sub-tenants, after it was discovered that "yuppies" from outside the Borough had been acquiring the properties on a "cash for keys" basis and leasing them out to Polish building workers. Councillors were shocked to discover that flats in "The Upper Stoke Newington Executive Public Conveniences, Private Sauna And Gymnasium" development were being used as cheap lodgings by foreign workers who sleep there overnight as little as £120 per night.

Following the granting of planning permission to CABE (Councillors Always Buggering the Environment) at an emergency meeting of the Planning Subcommittee last Wednesday, work has already commenced the addition of an extra 23 floors on top of the existing structure.

The proposed 132,000V electric fence surrounding the property will bring two major benefits to the development and to the future prosperity of Hackney. On the one hand it will keep out drunken undesirables looking for building site jobs and protesting against their families being driven out of the Borough by rising rents and house prices.

It will also act as a deterrent to dozens of wrinklies planning to organise demonstrations against the demolition of sheltered home Bayton Court in London Fields to make way for additional luxury apartments. These ugly and unnecessary people, who in the past have made Hackney such an eyesore, need to understand the reasons behind their planned relocation to The Outer Hebrides. Occupants of the luxury apartments scheduled to replace The Pub On The Park facing the rear of their sordid little dwellings have demanded a clear view of the grass, trees and cricket pitch uninterrupted by the sight of ugly old incontinent peasants. And we must listen to these important people. Unlike the wrinklies, most of them vote Labour.

And can you blame them? I mean, when it's time to go, it's time to go. Except, of course, for one person who springs immediately to mind. What a great speech he made today at PMQ. Blew Macaroon away!